peace in the soon

i'm at peace with wanting.

{via pinterest}

i have my little list, tucked in a place where only He and i can find it when the time is right. and sometimes, we pull it out late at night, my King and i, and we laugh and we weep together over this little scrap of paper. 

my Love knows my list, too, but he doesn't understand it fully. he listens when i can contain it within myself no longer, and i pour my soul like water over us both. and he comforts me then, as best as he knows how.

but i think no mortal can understand another want unless they want it too, and just as badly. 

it's tricky to find this place of wanting and having without stepping over into this dangerous place of 

my will be done. 

there is a strange darkness in this place where we blow out the Fire and shiver by self's candle instead. and i've learned that it's not worth it to cross this line. 

and so i learn to wait and cling to the hem of His robe, knowing that i am safe when i stay at His feet and softly whisper

Thy will be done. 

who knew it was so hard to wait? 

and sometimes i find myself looking into that mirror and beating my fists on the walls and begging for the now and not the then. and then i must stop, because i am waiting on me and not on Him anymore. 

because His wait is not as hard as mine. because it's strength renewing and wing-giving. 

{via pinterest}

and He takes delight in blessing His children with good things. 

wait is not never. wait is only this -- wait. and soon. 

and so i find my place in this thickly woven cosmos, and remember that i am seen and i am known by the One who made and placed me here. 

 and i curl into His arms and wait for the rain. 

i am at peace with this thing of wait. because wait doesn't mean never. 

it means someday. it means soon. 

for He calls all time soon. 

{linking this moment with my King along with Laura; also, over at the "Write It, Girl" project}

Embrace

Millions and millions of years would still not give me half enough time to describe that tiny instant of all eternity when you put your arms around me and I put my arms around you.  ~Jacques Prévert

There is something utterly magical about a hug.

Really, the above statement reads so trite to me compared to the depth of emotion that is packed into those words...

...it almost seems a shame to even write those words. 

I feel as though I am doing every hug in the world a mighty disservice. 

There is something remarkable that happens when one person puts their arms around another. 

It is inexplicable...

...and it's one of my favorite things in the world. 

Whether it's a loving touch from your mother after you've had one of the worst days of your life, and all you want is comfort...

... a soft caress from someone you deeply care about, and who you know cares about you more than anything else, and can feel when your heart is about to shatter into a million pieces...

...an affection-laden bear hug from a guy who's been as close as a brother since high school...

...or a still-awaited embrace from your sister who's only been in Germany for a month and still has another 2 months to go before she comes back home. 

Every last one of these touches has power in them.

The power to comfort.

To reassure.

To demonstrate the utmost of tender love and affection...

...sometimes more than words can say. 

If you're angry at a loved one, hug that person.  And mean it.  You may not want to hug - which is all the more reason to do so.  It's hard to stay angry when someone shows they love you, and that's precisely what happens when we hug each other.  ~Walter Anderson

Fingertips

But if the while I think on thee, dear friend,

All losses are restored and sorrows end.

~William Shakespeare

I have been blessed with amazing friends.

It blows my mind sometimes.

Even in the busy crush of life, the dramatic push of overwhelming emotion, and the shatterglass of confusion that makes up every day of human existence, I have people in my life who take the time to remind me that I'm more than just another nameless face in the crowd.

There come those moments where the ocean waves threaten to push me right off the edge of the cliff...that one pivotal disappointment that makes my once-sure footing suddenly feel like I'm balancing on thin air.

...and it's then, when I'm unable to stop myself from toppling headlong into emptiness...

...it's then that I feel your hand catch mine.

Sometimes, it's your whole hand -- a long conversation until 2:15 in the morning even when you know that you have to get up to work the next morning at 5am...taking my hand and dragging me onto the dance floor for no better reason than I'm sitting on the sidelines...discussing Jane Austen over Pad Thai and hot coffee on a late night, cross-country phone call...spending hours strolling around an amusement park, catching up on three years of moments...

Other times, it's just your fingertips that grip mine and pull me up -- the brush of your lips against my cheek when I'm crying...the feeling of your ankle draping over mine during a moment when I'm confused...a simple text message or wall post that says "I love you" or "Wish you were here"...that simple, wordless hug when both our worlds are shattering from the inside out...

At those times, I realize that it's your fingertip moments are the ones that stick with me the longest.

The ones that mean the most.

The ones that changed my life.

There is [a] friend in the life of each of us who seems not a separate person, however dear and beloved, but an expansion, an interpretation, of one's self, the very meaning of one's soul. ~Edith Wharton

As You Wish

"Death can not stop true love, it can only delay it for a little while" ~ The Princess Bride

I can quote a lot of lines from a lot of movies. It's just one of my many quirks. My memory seems to latch onto cinematic dialogue. I have no valid explanation.

However, there is one movie that I can quote in its entirety without hardly batting an eye.

The Princess Bride.

For those of you who haven't had the distinct privilege of viewing this 1987 cult classic film...GO WATCH IT. Because, I have to say, it is one of the most incredible movies ever released.

Oddly enough, as my husband pointed out to me tonight, it is the movie that best describes our marriage.

One scene in particular, actually.

The Dread Pirate Roberts has "rescued" Buttercup from the hands of her three unusual kidnappers, and they are on the run together. They stop for a brief rest on a mountaintop. Roberts is being rather gruff and brutal with her, mocking her and treating her sorrow over the death of her one true love, Westley, as something trivial

She finally becomes fed up with him and screams in his face,

"You mocked me once; never do it again. I died that day...and you can die too, for all I care."

With that, she shoves him off the cliff and watches him tumble head over heals down the mountainside. As he falls, Roberts manages to call three simple words back up to her.

"As...you...wish..."

Buttercup suddenly realizes that the man that she has just potentially murdered is not the frightening Dread Pirate Roberts. It is her soulmate, Westley, whom she had thought to be dead. Horrified, she throws herself down the mountain after him.

In so many ways, that is my response with Jon. He becomes gruff or sharp with me in a time of conflict, and I retaliate with a knee-jerk reaction of pushing him away from me...maybe not down a literal cliff, but most certainly in a way that disrespects him.

Suddenly, I realize that I have just injured the man whom I love the most in this world, and I throw myself down after him. I would rather be wounded myself than to live the rest of my days knowing that I had hurt him and had lost him forever.

This is the conundrum that is so prevalent with marriages all across the world. We hurt the ones we love, and then we self-destruct in a last-ditch effort to save the one we have just wounded so brutally. This unending cycle seems intent on destroying our relationships -- not just with our spouses, but also with our friends and family members.

It's at moments like this when I look into my husband's eyes, and I realize something so incredibly powerful.

Jon loves me. He would risk his own safety to protect me and keep me safe.

He would brave the Cliffs of Insanity.

...swim through "eel-infested waters."

...sword-fight with a Spaniard.

...engage in hand-to-hand combat with a man six times his own size.

..."go against a Sicilian when death is on the line!"

...brave the three terrors of the Fire Swamp (lightning sand, flame spurt, and even R.O.U.S's)...

...and finally, he would even undergo the most horrific of tortures and surrender his life

...all for me.

Because he loves me just that much.

So maybe, I need to lay down my pride, take his hand, and brave these terrors of life together. Because, as everyone knows...

"This is true love. Do you think this happens every day?"