I had no idea.
I lost another grandmother, the second in twelve months. upheaval became the name of the game. there was emotional turmoil, loss and brokenness in a community that I thought was solid ground. my family groaned under the weight of ache after broken-hearted ache.
and in the moments between the weeping, I wrote a book. words became sentences became paragraphs became pages became chapters because an entire volume. and yesterday, I finished it. officially. the proofing is done, the uploads are complete, the cover is the correct size. and then I clicked the button and ordered fifty copies. thirty-nine copies are already spoken for, which is overwhelming and more than I ever expected.
but on Friday, two days before, we got more news.
our family is growing.
another tiny pair of feet are forming beneath my skin.
and again comes the feelings of unworthiness, like last time. but this time, there is something more. there is something powerful that drowns out all the whispers of fears and cries of "too much too soon all at once."
there is hope. there is a breath of restorative life. there is an echo of synchronicity that I've been waiting for...finally. it's been forever.
this year, this precipice year, it has been a year of "He takes, blessed be. He takes, blessed be. oh, again, He takes. blessed be..." and the words have started to falter on my tongue, quivering as though I might not believe them as much as I did the first time. my lips ache from the wind-burn of being so extended on this precipice, and my fingers are bleeding from the grip against the stone.
and then I remember that He makes the stone crack. that death starts working backwards.
this year has been heavy. but now there is life.
life on paper, words from my own soul escaping into the world.
and life under skin, growing to be birthed into the world when the appointed time comes.
abundant, He promised.