the guy

i'm not sure how to start this post off. i have a lot to say, so much that it's brimming over and twisting my tongue into knots with the magnitude of how to begin. i feel like whatever i say, no matter how carefully thought out and prepared for your eyes, will fall entirely too short.

it's about this guy. this man i've spoken off in bits and pieces, mostly because he doesn't mind being waiting offstage while i write my soul in the center.

this man i call "husband."

and i'm ashamed to say, i've had the sun in my eyes. too blind to honestly appreciate just how much this man has done for me, and is doing in days of exhausted wife with piled clothes and unwashed plates.

he works in a factory, fifty hours of grind, and still has a volunteer's pager strapped to his belt for when fires start and cars flip over. he works all day, and sometimes late at night when the beeping wakes us both and he grabs for boots with bleary eyes and tousled blonde hair, barely time to press a kiss to my sleeping lips before he's gone out the door to save a life.

now he takes the piled jeans and puts them in the machine, and washes dirty plates and knives when my feet ache too much to stand. and when my stomach churns, he sits outside the door because it makes him sick too. but he does what he can because he doesn't want to leave me alone.

there's late-night runs for grape slushies and onion rings with ranch dressing, and countless nights of sleep disturbed while his wife tosses in discomfort and leaves little room for him in bed with the thousand curving pillows and left-side sleeping.

and still his strong fingers find that one spot in my back and press for relief, and rub my neck and brush my hair. this is man i share a booth with, pancakes and bacon and root beer every Saturday morning. the exhausted man, the hard-working man.

{via pinterest}

the one who kisses my nose and brings home chocolate when he knows i'm overwhelmed. the man who holds me in one arm with the other hand on my stomach, waiting to feel the kicks for himself.

and my daughter carries his genes. oh, how honoured i am to carry the strength of this man's flesh and bone merged with mine to create a whole new tiny warrioress for the world. she is not all me -- she bears more than my feeble strength. she has his too, and i am so glad.

this is the man i'm having a baby with, the one i'm sharing my life with. the one that waited in a white suit with a red rose on his lapel at the end of a long aisle two and a half years ago.

this is my husband. this is my hero.

so the nights will still be long, but he will still tangle his legs with mine and run his fingers through my hair while he rubs my back and waits for a little kick to remind him that he is "daddy."

 he is altogether lovely.

this is my beloved, this is my friend,

    daughters of Jerusalem.

in the soothing {176-182}

{via pinterest}

sometimes, Monday is a rut. the start of a week that can only get better from a day that makes you fall to your knees and wonder why.

but then there are Mondays that remind me of the grace of God. the way in which He shines a light that cuts through the darkness.

 even on days when i'm exceptionally irritable, feeling like everything is rubbing me the wrong way, i find myself drawn to sparks of blessing.

God's fingers touching my soul, murmuring 

be still and know, dearheart.

• 176. Breaking Dawn with a girlfriend whom has been far away for months. 

• 177. laughter so hard that it comes out silent, aching sides and streaming eyes over coffee and cinnamon bagels

• 178. newborn puppy whimpers and loving mama kisses as she looks over her ever-growing brood.

• 179. cell phone GPSes that save from late-night losses on country backroads

• 180. steaming coffee and vanilla creamer, late night companions to my slowly growing word count

• 181. emails from publishing companies, affirmation that my work is "good enough." dreams fulfilled with a few simple keystrokes. "we're interested in Cut Loose..."

• 182. messages from my sweet friend Jen, knowing that simple words of mine were used of Him to confirm a heart's yearning.

it's hard to not become overwhelmed in a world of declining Mondays. it's hard to look ahead and see a bright Light instead of a train coming to plough me down. 

but there comes my list, slipping into my corner. 

and i am cheered on this path. these little moments of soothing when the world rubs me wrong.

my soul brushes of being still, and of knowing.

{linking my blessings with these beautiful ones of blessing}

more and more {92-101}

these lists on Monday have begun to change me.

the book has changed me doubly still. 

the King has gripped my soul.

i never realized that this would be a transforming habit. 

i make lists as it is. a bit compulsively, i might add. grocery lists, to-do lists, wishlists and Christmas lists, gifts to buy and things to make. food to cook and dreams to fulfill. 

this is not a wishlist. not a collection of things i need or want or require to make my life a better place. 

"not of gifts i want, but of gifts i already have...this writing it down -- it is sort of like...unwrapping love." 

and so bit by bit

i unwrap this love. 

• 92. respect. from peers is given, from position is earned.

• 93. new cell phones, gifted for twenty-one years from my parents. phone calls that can be made, texts to be sent, and that doesn't turn off without a moment of warning.

• 94. steaming mugs of raspberry tea. warming after the damping from icy rain.

• 95. corner booths in old-fashioned cafes. 

• 96. "calm. peace. be still."

• 97. late nights in theaters, the smell of paint and sawdust in the air. 

• 98. a word from His heart to mine. "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." (Isaiah 41:10)

• 99. plane tickets purchased to my best friend's wedding. less than a month, and the date is here. 

• 100. the smell of new books

• 101. the wisdom of elders, the calming of friends, the sweetness of children.

i love these gifts of mine.

no more demands or wants.

these are gifts i already possess. 

this is eucharisteo. 

grace. 

thanksgiving. 

joy.

{linking up with this one thousand step journey}

Gentleman

A gentleman has his eyes on all those present; he is tender toward the bashful, gentle toward the distant, and merciful toward the absent. ~Lawrence G. Lovasik

Where have all the gentlemen gone?

What island have they been exiled to...and can someone send me the coordinates so that I might go and bring them home again?

Someone told them that they were no longer needed in this world...that their age had come and gone.

Someone told them that women were strong and independent -- that we didn't need men to care of us anymore...

...that we could open our own doors, and that a man coming to our defense was nothing more than offensive and sexist.

Someone said that chivalry was dead.

Well, let me tell you this.

They were wrong.

Whoever told Mr. Darcy to dismount his horse...whoever told Prince Charming to toss his crown in the mud...whoever told Orlando to burn his sonnets?

So please, gentlemen, come back to us.

Because there are still ladies in the world...

And we miss you.

We love when you open the door for us, or help us when we drop things, and we will thank you.

We love when you hold out your hand to help us up off the ground after a moment where our grace has fled, and we have stumbled over our own feet.

We love when you treat us with respect instead of just a pair of breasts...just as something to stare at and undress in your mind.

We love when you hug us, tell us we look beautiful, and look us in the eyes when you talk to us.

We love being treated as beloved sisters instead of sex objects and toys to show off.

So, please, come back.

And to those of you who haven't changed -- to those men who love me, respect me, and treat me as precious: I love you, and I am HONORED to call you my friends and brothers.

You are seen.

You are thanked.

And you are loved.

A man may learn from his Bible to be a more thorough gentleman than if he had been brought up in all the drawing-rooms in London. ~Charles Kingsley

Step

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

My best friend got engaged on Tuesday.

I still have a hard time believing it...after all, it's something we've both been dreaming of for the past two years of our best friendship.

I guess the reality of the whole thing is just a little hard for me to grasp -- I can only imagine the thoughts racing through her head and heart at this moment!

There's something about the first step a couple takes together...something so incredibly intimate about the lowering to one knee, the stifled gasp as she presses her hands to her mouth, and the stammering of that single word that will change their lives forever.

An engagement is so much more than just a sparkling diamond ring and the giddy smiles of two people in love.

It's a vow of its own.

It's the voice of a young man as he gazes into the eyes of the girl of his dreams...the whispers of his frantically beating heart, saying:

"Baby, I'm not going anywhere. And in a short time, I will give up EVERYTHING and take you as my other half. My perfect fit. My missing puzzle piece. I want to love you as Christ loved His church, how my King loves His bride. So be with me forever."

The wedding is the woman giving of herself -- the passing from girl to woman, the taking of another name, the change from "Miss" to "Mrs."

But the engagement is the man's surrender.

The lowering of himself. The ultimate humility.

And so, I have words for two of the greatest blessings in my life:

Firstly to my beautiful Alex:

Babe, you are the most incredibly strong, beautiful and passionate young woman of God I have EVER had the honor of knowing.

You blow my mind every day with your drive and your willingness to do anything for the Kingdom of God. You are the most wonderful best friend I could have ever asked for, and you bless me more than I could ever begin to say.

Also, you are insane. You are my Heathcliff, my mad little gal-pal. You make me laugh. You listen. You have this amazing ability to laugh with me and then cry with me, all in the same conversation. You write songs with me, and you manage to keep my head on straight.

And I love you.

You truly are the Jane to my Lizzie; you better know this by now. I could not be more honored to have you as my best friend...and I look SO much forward to undertaking this journey with you. I love so much, dear one.

And to Zach:

I have been praying that God would bring someone like you into Alex's life ever since she and I met. She deserves an amazing man of God who loves her with everything that he is, and is willing to give his life for her, if the need arises. Someone who will treat her with tenderness and adoration, and still manage to bear with her complete and utter insanity.

And I believe more than anything that you are indeed that man. Thank you for bringing a smile to her face and love to her life again. Thank you for loving my best friend with such a pure and selfless love. You are indeed her Mr. Darcy. You have wooed and romanced her in ways that continue to blow my mind. Your selfless and strong care for her touches my heart daily. I love you, and I cannot wait to get to know you better and better in the many insanity-packed years to come.

God bless you both.

Stay strong in love, and stay true to one another.

Alexandria and Zachary -- March 8th, 2011 -- Just the Beginning