revelation :: i am seeker

{via pinterest}

i've been pondering myself lately. and there's been a lot of poetry, and a lot of searching deep within myself, and such a journey to the mountain. and i found myself among the proverbial pine trees searching for the illusive spark.

and honestly, i'm terrified of this new place that He is calling me toward, stepping one toe in front of the other with my heart thudding louder than any tribal drum and the murmur of the Holy One at my ear

courage, dearheart

for I have overcome

because it was someone dear to my soul that chided all those months ago that not everything can be sacred, and i'm trying too hard to find something that isn't there, and what am i trying to prove anyway?

so it was with shaking trepidation that i found myself one week ago with fingers uncurled and eyes closed and breathing so deeply into my soul. i pressed my palms on the hardwood floor of the yoga studio and curled my toes on the mat and heard my heart whisper low, i am home here.

and i caught myself hesitating to open my heart and strike match to flint and touch flame to wick so that the warm Light beams through every corner, the way He-Who-Sees-Me does in that moment when the dark night of the soul threatens to swallow you whole.

i've written before about the Lion's song, the melodic mantra that blends with my heart's cry to form that strangest sweetest music. and He and i whisper it together under the moon, our own version of the precious breathing that leaves our lungs in a musical hum. it's an om of a different kind, His and mine, one we carved together out of crystals and tears and His own blood poured out when Death fell beneath His feet.

and even as they scorn, i'm putting down roots.

{photograph of myself, courtesy of  nikki jean photography}

:: because i don't want to lose the mystery 

that comes when One is Three, and to die is to Live, and how darkness melts like candle wax in the Light. and i am a seeker, captivated by the moon as she changes and finding myself moving with her in the oddest and most glorious of dances.

i'm not done yet, i am just beginning.

and i am seeker, journeyer, gypsy soul afire.

feather-haired braveheart, i am.
His lioness, i am.

I AM's, i am.

hush-holy ::

{via pinterest}

a phrase has been trapped in my mind for about a week now. two words strung together, innocently enough, make something soft and precious and so profound that it has woven itself into the very essence of me and is resting there.

hush-holy.
{phrase coined by rain}

there is sacredness nesting inside me now, building up and making something great and beautiful in a way that maybe i didn't understand before.

this word {YHWH} is the sound of breathing.

the holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator

 is the sound of your own breathing.

and so i sit and ponder in this time of spring, the epitome of hush-holy and silent glory and the majesty of life appearing in the gentlest of ways.

but there are storms, grey-skied things that sweep in with wind and rain and thunder and lightning. and oh, how the glory of God is found in this grand display. 

:: but then comes the calm.

and the wind and seas obey His voice. and all is still when He and i step back into the boat, and i find myself on my knees in the hush whispering, truly You are the Son of the Most High God. because His very breath is this thing swirling around me, even here on my yellow couch with Old McDonald as the soundtrack to this moment of worship. 

{via pinterest}

but in my head i'm singing soft words familiar to my tongue, words i have sang over and over in my soul from the first time i heard them. a tender melody found here in the hush-holy, in the calm draped over my shoulders like a warm blanket of Life from the fingers of the most loving Father.

oh the deep deep love of Jesus

vast, unmeasured, boundless, free

//

and it's not a solo, but a duet, because the Lion is singing soft in my ear, harmonizing in the most beautiful way, crooning, see, I am doing a new thing, all things made new. and the Song of the Lion has become the sweetest backdrop to arms outstretched and glory whispered from my mortal-turned-immortal lips. 

now you are a Lioness

and all...will be renewed.

{prince caspian, c.s. lewis}

breath like His

it's become a thing across the blogging universe.

why do i blog? 

what brought me to this place?

and why do i continue?

i have already done my various posts of this sort, one of which can be found here. 

however, this is different. this is where.

where do i blog? where do i let myself be heard?

to start my September, i was honoured to receive the sacred becomes you award by my dear literary and heaven-bound sister, rain. 

the conviction which flooded me upon reading that post was almost enough to knock me to the ground, as well it should.

i don't blog on my knees enough. 

i think i like to to cling to this wobbling pedestal that looms above me. i don't know why that is, really. it's not that i think i'm something special or want to gloat over my fragile bits and pieces. 

i think my pride doesn't want to admit my smallness. my weaknesses. oh, how i hate my struggles, my moments of emptiness. to be counted as weak is a greater curse than being counted as silent. 

and so i stand. hard and fast against the gentle wind of my Savior's breath. this breath that should and must become my own...i fight and wrestle as though letting go is to die.

but then, isn't it?

isn't it my call to die to self and live for Him? so many greater than me have done so, and with joy. 

paul rejoiced in his infirmities, knowing this truth that i cannot yet grasp.

via Pintrest

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.”Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 

and so i must let go. i must die. to self, to me, to pride and control and my own strength. 

i must let my breath leave my will, and let His name take its place. 

for is His name, the most sacred, is yet my breath. 

the letters of the name of God in Hebrew… are infrequently pronounced Yahweh. But in truth they are inutterable….

This word {YHWY} is the sound of breathing.

The holiest name in the world, the Name of Creator, is the sound of your own breathing.That these letters are unpronounceable is no accident. Just as it is no accident that they are also the root letters of the Hebrew verb ‘to be’… God’s name is name of Being itself. ~Rabbi Lawrence Kushner

prematurely linking up with The Wellspring.
perhaps not a playdate per se, but oh what joy .