That slaves, howe'er contented, never know.
~William Cowper
I was recently given a very great compliment by a blogging friend of mine. She commented to me that she loved how I had "found my voice."
It broke my heart and yet gave me such freedom to have to tell her that she was mistaken.
I don't have my voice yet.
Every post is an example of over-analysis...self-deprecation...doubt that allows nothing but perfection to escape into this blogging world.
Or into any part of the world, for that matter.
There is a tiny voice in my head that points out my every flaw...makes me feel guilty for mistakes I have not even made yet...for posting things that might offend my readers.
No, I have not yet found my voice.
Posts like skyeyes and grace alone. are slow steps of bravery.
Slow steps to freedom.
I won't even begin to pretend perfection, as much as I wish I could. Even as I wrote those above posts, my fingers shook at the idea of releasing just broken imperfection to the world at large.
I'm a broken mirror...I don't want my fractured reflection to ruin me.
I don't have my voice yet.
I'm currently undergoing vocal surgery.
I'm under the knife...
...it hurts as each cleansing pass of the blade cuts away more and more of my self-shame and indescribable fear.
He's changing me. He's mending the mirror.
I won't be the same when He's done.
I'll finally have a voice that I will be unashamed to use.
I never want to go back to prison.
To bondage.
To silence.
If I could hear Christ praying for me in the next room, I would not fear a million enemies. Yet distance makes no difference. He is praying for me. ~Robert M. McCheyne
I'm glad that you shared this with us. :)
ReplyDeleteThe fact that you're able to come out and say even the smallest things about what you're going through is something I really admire.
Sweet Rachel, I love how honest and open you are. Oh that I would be more like this with every word that I write. It's hard to be ourselves, to let others see the messiness that lay within but it's there that our words turn into blessings. Praying with you that we both find our voices.
ReplyDeleteHow broken we all are! But I think you are seeing more cracks than are there: don't forget that we are all more like a hall of mirrors, complex as we are, and that when you look in a hall of mirrors you see more reflections. Just so, you probably are seeing more cracks than are truly there. Trust in the Lord and He will show you the true reflection. You have such a lovely heart and soul, dear Lady.
ReplyDeleteLove love love this. I can relate in so many ways! Just keep on being real and honest and open, dearest. You touch many hearts...including my own.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. May He change us into His image. Though it's painful, it's (as they say) a good kind of pain.
ReplyDeleteWow... This sounds like something I might write if I was being entirely honest and open to Christ's leading in my life. I need to let Him change me. Thank you for the challenge even if it wasn't meant that way. <3 :)
ReplyDeletethis was beautifully transparent and incredibly powerful. i love what the commenter wrote above, about letting the world see our messiness, yet how it truly is a blessing to those around us. and that's exactly what this post is: a blessing. thank you for letting us know you just a little bit more. and keep pushing forward with that voice of yours, girl. :) He's already doing amazing things with it.
ReplyDeleteDitto what Rambling Heather said.
ReplyDelete-Jocee <3