Monday, August 15, 2011

Supposed

I pray your glory shines / through this doubting heart of mine / so my world would know that YouYou are my strength / You and You alone / You and You alone / Keep bringing me back home. ~Gungor, You Are my Strength

I know that you're all expecting my weekly Monday musings regarding all the beautiful things in my life. 

And there are many of them, brimming just under the surface of my dreams and moments this past week.

But right now, I can't find them.

I made a resolution to myself that I wouldn't write what the world at large might want to hear. I'm going to write what's real.

My reality.

And right at this moment, my reality isn't all that beautiful. In fact, it's rather like a harsh palace of stone and ice. I feel at war with myself, with certain people in my life...and in all honesty, I don't even know what to say. 

I'm brimming over with so much confusing, and maybe a little too much hurt than I should be in this particular situation. 

It's overwhelming me. And I have no outlet...not right now. Later, I will, I'm sure...but I don't need it later. 

I need it now.

I feel horribly selfish and petty to even write a post like this one. I feel as though I have promised you poetry, sunshine, and summer breezes in every piece I write. And this one is truly more of an icy snowstorm of hurt and complicated emotion.

Forgive me? Please?

Maybe later this afternoon, after a bit of a good cry and losing myself in the silent embrace of the Word, I will come back and pour my beauties onto the page.

…but, for now, this is all I have... 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10




Joining in with this beautiful sisterhood on August 22nd, 2011
Expect to see more of this blessed release from time to time.
Life is hard. God is good. 

10 comments:

  1. Stay strong, dear lady! Please please PLEASE, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I'm here for you (I can't talk back because I just had my wisdom teeth removed, but I can listen!)

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  2. Rachel lovie! no sorries allowed! why are you apologizing for writing how you feel? you haven't done anything wrong. you're sharing your heart, and i think that's all your readers have ever wanted. all your feelings are valid, and it's totally legit to write your reality, whatever it is. don't worry about what you think others might want. that's not fair to yourself. this is your space, your place. you're so beautiful and i'm glad you decided to be so raw and honest today. so, there is no "supposed to", and don't feel like you need to apologize for anything.

    i'm so sorry for how overwhelmed you're feeling, and how you feel you have no outlet. i can relate...i know it's a painful and stifling place to be. i'm sorry that your palace is one of stone and ice right now. *holds your hand* i know it might feel so cold and lonely...please remember you're not alone. i pray that you will feel those Everlasting Arms holding you up today, and that you will feel clarity instead of confusion, and comfort instead of hurt. much, much love to you.

    keep your chin up...the periods of rain make the flowers grow, and soon the Sun will poke through the clouds, making your palace warm and bright again. <3 <3 <3

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  3. oh girl--there is no sense in pretending or in conjuring up things to please others. life is hard sometimes and only when you trudge through those hard places can you get to the other side. <3 i hope this day brings some encouraging things your way.

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  4. He WILL bring you through to the other side of this dark place in which you find yourself.

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  5. This is my first time here. I am usually a positive, upbeat person. Today, however, I have felt like you. For the first time, my post is not uplifting.
    I have read several in the last hour, almost all the same. Maybe Satan is having a hay day today and working extra hard on many of us.
    God is the strength of our heart and He will bring us through to a spacious place

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  6. Thanks for being so real and even linking up while being real. I like that. I don't like that it's an icey kind of a day or season as it may be, for you. I don't know you but my heart prays for you tonight and that this heavy weight that we all bear at different times and in different ways will be used to bring more sunshine in your life in due time.

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  7. I don't quite have words and all I can say is that my spirit feels your spirit and I am grateful that you came with all your rawness and honesty. It is at such a time as this that we must reach out to our sisters so that we can feel prayed for and watched over and receive the encouragement that we so desperately need. And sometimes, we aren't even ready for encouragement -- we just simply need someone to sit with us for awhile, be still, and...know.

    I'm so grateful that you linked this up. You are such a blessing to Soli Deo Gloria.

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  8. Your post is beautiful in its honesty and humility--there is nothing to forgive. It made me think of this wonderful song and video that tell us how God is moved by our honest cries. I pray it is a blessing to you:
    http://youtu.be/lD_pCr_Xrnc

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  9. hang onto the Word. . . which it sounds like you are doing. thanks for your transparency, your realness. praying for you this day.

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I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon