Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts
Showing posts with label broken. Show all posts

Friday, August 8, 2014

broken benches

{photo taken via VSCOCam :: by Rachel Haas}
writing is hard when you're writing.
you become a broken bench, in a way.

there are slats falling down
side
ways.
you're still a bench.
but there are holes and sitting


it's complicated.

writing a book is hard, period.
it's one of those things where you could jump up and down and pat your head and rub your tummy and walk across hot coals to bring back rubies clutched in your teeth

...and it would still be easier than getting those words down.
and yet we do it because we are it.
we are writers who write things.

writers who don't write things are benches made of fog.
you can see us
we just go away when you breathe a little too hard.

writing is complicated
with a lot of parts and pieces and bits and bobs
and upside down handstands.
and coffee.

and you can feel like a broken bench.
but you're still a bench.
when people fall on you, their hands connect with solid wood and scrappy frame.
you're plucky, you are.

they can rest there.
because broken benches are still benches.

Friday, February 21, 2014

in which He did not call us to be jerks

{photo by Jennifer}
there's a picture going around my newsfeed, a cartoon drawing of a bleeding man dressed in a rainbow shirt being bludgeoned by men holding Bibles. these caricatures were drawn to make us think, to draw the nodding heads and the "mmm"-ing and then "how true, how true" from those who identify as Christians. but I feel like it gets forgotten that the idea of the Sword of Truth being wielded like a butcher knife is more common, that we're good at passing out scarlet letters, carved into the chests so that they never forget they are sinners.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: they know us by the things we hate instead of by our love, and that's the opposite of the way He meant for things to be.

do you really wonder why they hate us? why when someone hesitantly says, "I'm a Christian," there's groans and eyerolls and muttering?  I've heard the laughter myself, heard the mocking voice of the ones trodden undo so-called holy feet. there should be something different about us, the ones who don "small Christ, wandering followers of the Rabbi" as our moniker. and unfortunately, there is something different :: the fact that we so often choose to us Truth as an excuse to cleave flesh from bone and then drag them by the hair to the foot of the cross.

you're forgiven and you're going to like it. or else. 

you want bluntness? you want transparency?

Jesus did not call us to be assholes. He did not bleed Himself dry to raise a horde of sanctified jerks, to lead an army of righteous indignation. when He said to turn the other cheek, He didn't mean by slapping one until the head bows in apologetic pain.

{photo by Jennifer}
it breaks me down when I think back to the hearts I turned, the way my own words sliced and my own hands slapped and my nails clawed frantic to make them see their sin. but instead, I scratched the corneas of their souls until things were blurred and tears streamed and they stumbled away into fog. I pray someone else came behind me and loved them better, loved them like He would have done.

sometimes I look at the story of the Crucifixion, the way they ripped His body into shreds and spilled His blood on the courtyard stones, and I think, maybe there's more of a picture there than at first glance. because that picture, it's visceral and holy and grace personified. but I can almost see Him looking up from beneath the thirty-ninth lash, thorns pressing into His skin, and maybe I can read His lips.

I took this already. I'm doing this for them, for you, for all. 
it's covered. it's taken care of, once for all.
please don't do this to anyone else.  

He died to make us alive, died to tear down walls and bring separation to a minimum. He cradled the broken ones closest, touched the untouchable, and laid the twisted paths straight. there is Truth we seem to forget :: this thing of grace, this thing of mercy, this thing of Love that passes through death's grip and into Life abundant.

and this, this is the marvel of marvels. 
that He called me beloved. 
{c.s. lewis}

Friday, July 26, 2013

broken lines // mosaic

{via pinterest}
artist unknown. if you know, share it with me? 
i couldn't pass this one by.

not when my entire life has been broken from the start, and not when my passion is reaching out the broken ones and tucking them in close against me.

we've been made to think that broken is a bad thing, something to be ashamed of, to coil around and huddle in the darkness. but being broken makes mosaics, those little intricate lines and cracks that make up the letters into words of our own deep stories.

being broken hurts. it's not something anyone wants. we don't set out each day wonder, oh, how might i break today? :: but maybe we should.

i hate being broken. but it's not a shame thing. i'm pulling back the cover on my heart, the thick woolen blanket wound around my shoulders and whispering to each of you, come here, dearheart. let's sit together and put it all together.

it's what sisterhood is all about, taking the bits and showing the bright Light that gleams from between each little crack. it's what the Lion does best, breathing soft Life onto hearts and watching them mend, but leaving the soft marks behind.

and the Pharassees chant, "all you need is Jesus. but then, you need this...and this...and this thing too..." and the milestone hangs heavy and all you can do is collapse.

no dress code or stand up sit down or running away from the shadows. because He's in the shadows.
He's in the Light. He's in the dark. 

:: He IS.

the marks are art, lines of ink on the page. they speak of a greater story, a deeper grace. they show that you are strong, wandering through fire but held tender and close. it's stepping off the cliff and standing on air, hovering gentle on Lion's breath.

{linking five minutes of unedited "broken" writing at lisa-jo's today.}

Monday, July 8, 2013

the gasp :: much

{via pinterest}
 {over the next several weeks, maybe even months, i will be writing here and there from elora's thirty days of prompts. this is something that i have never done before, something raw and fresh and gorgeous and potentially painful. so please, be gentle with me. you can find all posts i have written from these prompts here}

:: in what ways have you found your way out of the depths? where is your appreciation and sensitivity? what makes you beautiful?

oh, to ponder these words above. what makes me beautiful? from what depths have i climbed? but, to speak of that would be making myself oh-so vulnerable. and that might be where the beauty is hiding, tucked away in the tender wrappings of a heart so easily swept under. 

i used to think that being broken was ugly. not in other people, you understand, because their broken pieces made breathtaking mosaics and all i could was stare in wonder. but my broken pieces were fragmented, distasteful. my being broken was ugly.

but then there was this metaphor, one that i've had in the back of my mind all my life but only recently jogged into remembrance :: that picture of a woman with a hand over her mouth, eyes wide as though she wanted...needed...to speak but could not. and then there was a whisper, what if that hand is your own?

and then a poem found its way into my fingers from the heart of a friend. words that made me catch my breath because they related to my soul. 

because the soft season will come
it will come 
loud
ready
gulping
both hands in your heart
up all night
up all of the nights
to drink all damage into love.
:: therapy // nayyirah waheed

{via pinterest}
it sank in like water to the most-parched soul and i realized. my soul is trying to drink it all, reaching up my fingers for selah merging with beams of Light streaming from the eyes of the One who stopped and spoke into the pressing crowd, someone touched Me. 

i'm only twenty-two, told often that i have not experienced enough life to know pain, to appreciate what it means to wait and experience and cling to something. i won't pretend that i know, but i know my share. and it's not a competition as to who aches the deepest or who needs the water the very most. what makes me beautiful is my past, my broken cobblestones and the scars on my toes from trying to climb a mountain with bare feet. 

but i reached and i gasped with eyes wide and pleading, fingers clutching His robe while His eyes meet mine and whisper, you love much, and you are forgiven much. 

and so i'm gently gathering the jagged and the broken and the cracked into my pockets and laying them out like sea glass on the sand. my heart is there, twisted like wrought iron and molded like clay. and there's a word there, humming soft with Lion melody to mingle with my soul's gasping inhale of Light. 

:: much. 


Thursday, January 24, 2013

never forget

{via pinterest}
i've been pondering this thing of sacrificial womanhood, this thing of mothering that can often come without warning and change your life in an instant. 

a year ago this month i discovered that my life was about to change for the better and for the strange and for the mysterious that i still do not fully understand. and i look at this child, this beautiful warrioress with rosebud lips and sea-blue windows to her tiny soul, and i am humbled. 

i have learned that brokenness is essential to this journey, to this place of being mother to someone so small and so earth-shaking. this journey has been turned into a war by some who would rather turn the innocence of children into a battleground, and that makes it so very hard. 

this world is a battleground enough. i war every day for the soul of my child, fighting off lions like a mother bear who has been wounded by a thousand spears with words like ugly and fat and not good enough.

and i am learning every day to die to myself so that He might live through me for the betterment of the little one who is so small that she cannot even yet form the words "ma-ma." brokenness is something hard to swallow, a pill that looks so jagged and fearsome that even the mighty shrink away. but i must do this, for me and for her, and for all that comes after for us both. 

{momma and Marian, four months old}
i prayed for this child, and i pray for her still, as her shrieks and coos fill my every waking moment and even those moments when i would rather be asleep instead. and then she smiles at me and puts a tiny chubby hand against my lips with a giggle, and i melt inside. 

i am undone :: 

so in the night hours, when the house is silent save for throaty husband snores and the clicking tick of the refrigerator, i whisper to the little girl curled in the crook of my arm. 

:: never forget, little one :: 

someone loves you. i promise i do. and He does, too. no matter what you do in this life, i will love you. and He will too. 

it's not a crime to be beautiful. feeling pretty isn't a sin. size 16. size 2. whichever you are, you are. the scales don't define you. you are a lioness, a King's daughter, and that is what matters. 

breath is precious. life is short. so live your breaths. 

and never forget.
never ever forget.



Thursday, October 6, 2011

standing life

what makes a mover?

a ground-shaker?

what does it take for transformation?

it takes doing.

it doesn't take sitting back and watching others innovate. others change. others make a difference.

it takes standing. 

what difference does one person make in the course of the world?

a lot. 

because this entire world is made up of individuals. different dreams, wishes unlike any other. touch a face, and you will feel a dream. because we all have them, whether we're willing to acknowledge them or not.

what can these broken people do?

we can hold out dented fingers and say

do my cracks match yours?

innovation is more than electronics. more than inventions. more than progress.

it's the hearts behind.

every pulse that beats is a rhythm by which to dance. a path by which to skip.
{via pinterest}

don't sit in the dirt, waiting for the King to return. don't dig up your unused talent and then hold it up in empty fingers saying,

for You.


take your little and make much. take His gifts.

live radically.

don't just exist.

but live. 

‎"Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do." ~Steve Jobs. 
1955-2011



Monday, August 15, 2011

Supposed

I pray your glory shines / through this doubting heart of mine / so my world would know that YouYou are my strength / You and You alone / You and You alone / Keep bringing me back home. ~Gungor, You Are my Strength

I know that you're all expecting my weekly Monday musings regarding all the beautiful things in my life. 

And there are many of them, brimming just under the surface of my dreams and moments this past week.

But right now, I can't find them.

I made a resolution to myself that I wouldn't write what the world at large might want to hear. I'm going to write what's real.

My reality.

And right at this moment, my reality isn't all that beautiful. In fact, it's rather like a harsh palace of stone and ice. I feel at war with myself, with certain people in my life...and in all honesty, I don't even know what to say. 

I'm brimming over with so much confusing, and maybe a little too much hurt than I should be in this particular situation. 

It's overwhelming me. And I have no outlet...not right now. Later, I will, I'm sure...but I don't need it later. 

I need it now.

I feel horribly selfish and petty to even write a post like this one. I feel as though I have promised you poetry, sunshine, and summer breezes in every piece I write. And this one is truly more of an icy snowstorm of hurt and complicated emotion.

Forgive me? Please?

Maybe later this afternoon, after a bit of a good cry and losing myself in the silent embrace of the Word, I will come back and pour my beauties onto the page.

…but, for now, this is all I have... 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. ~Psalm 73:26

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. ~Isaiah 41:10




Joining in with this beautiful sisterhood on August 22nd, 2011
Expect to see more of this blessed release from time to time.
Life is hard. God is good. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Phoenix

"God uses broken things. Broken soil to produce a crop, broken clouds to give rain, broken grain to give bread, broken bread to give strength. It is the broken alabaster box that gives forth perfume." ~Unknown

The past is a complicated thing.

So many of us attempt to erase the past...doing our best to clear our slates and start fresh every morning as we arise.

I will admit, I often find myself bogged down in regret for the things I have done in my past.

It's hard to keep from viewing myself as a broken mirror...Pandora's box, opened and poured out on the world in tears and pain...a soiled, tainted dove.

There are times I am overcome with the fear that the flames of my past have burned up any good or worth that could possibly be found in my heart.

And then I remember...

...at the bottom of the box, there still remained hope.

Gold is refined through fire.

Blood has already been poured out.

Death has already been battled and won.

My soul has already been saved.

The past is there for us to remember, to learn, and to grow. If we forget, what good has our pain been?

So, from the ashes, my hope shall spring.

I am His.

I am a phoenix.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king. ~J. R. Tolkien, The Lord of the Rings

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Forgiven

"For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." ~Luke 7:47

I know that this blog is prone to lean to the more poetic side of my life. Elegant musings on springtime, reflections on holidays, or just the delicate moments of my own life which I chose to make important for whatever reason.

But not this time.

This time I need to be raw. Real.

Because, to be honest, I've never realized ANYTHING like this before.

It's scary...but here goes.

I have an issue with letting myself be forgiven.

In fact, I think that I believe that I am entire unworthy of forgiveness.

That my past mistakes -- and even those I have yet to make -- have set me in a place where I past the point of being forgiven by anyone.

Not by those I love.

Not by myself.

Not even by God.

And then, I spent a nearly sleepless night, curled up with tears pouring down my face. Every time I closed my eyes, it was like a horrific home movie playing back behind my eyelids...replaying every awful moment, every moment of shame, every whisper of guilt.

But suddenly, someone switched off the projector.

There was nothing left but darkness. And the voice of Jesus Christ.

"I forgive you. You are forgiven. Your shame is gone. You have to let go. You have to let yourself be forgiven."

And so I let one finger slide off the edge.

I'm slowly letting go.

I'm accepting forgiveness.

From the ones who love me more than anything.

From the ones who could have given up on me...but didn't.

From the ones who would die for me.

And from the One who already did.