Tuesday, September 16, 2014

born from crushed aluminum

{via flickr :: creative commons}
I crushed a soda can last night. you can see the exact shape of my hand in the aluminum, the swirling white letters bent inward to form something more akin to a prayer than a brand name.

my not-so-tiny girl needed stitches, right on the even of her second birthday. three small black lines, twisted up with flesh. she cut her foot last week. it wasn't so bad. there was blood, but it washed away. there was a scab, but it was closing. and then last night, she tripped. and it opened anew, worse than before. so we bundled into the car, my husband + me + Marian (her in squawking high spirits, us not so much).

and the doctor said "stitches," and something inside me dropped so hard that I thought it might actually come out through my feet. they washed her foot and I cringed, holding her hand. they said "needle" and "Lidocaine" and I  made a hasty and less than dignified retreat. he made me sit, the doctor did, pressing a can of soda into my hand for sugar. I was white, he said.

and I sobbed on one side of a clinic wall while my daughter wailed, clutched tight in my husband's arms as he bear-hugged our fierce fighting child. they were hurting her to help her, and it made my momma-lioness roar vicious. and I crushed that soda can in my fingers until they were white and the can was twisted metal in my grip.

then it was over, and she was drenched in sweat but bandaged, sniffling into my shoulder. I buried my nose in her head as I rocked her, inhaling the scent of tears and sweat and strength and bravery, as much as a little-yet-fierce creature can exude.

this morning, I pondered as she nuzzled into my breast, an eager face at 7:02am beside my bed. it's been two years with this child, nine months before that of her nestled under my skin. motherhood is a funny thing. you can read every book in the world, and still realize that you know absolutely nothing when that child is born. and you have to learn. and they say that you learn from experience and doing and "as you go." but really, it's your child that does the teaching.

cliche? maybe.
true? entirely.

and so, as my Marian-girl begins her second year of life, my heart is swelling full of  holy hopes + wishes for her.

 :: I wish for her bravery to be acknowledged. she is not fearless, she is brave. 
:: I wish for Holiness. 
 :: I wish for delight in small things and joy in big things
:: I wish for her pain to be allowed. I do not want her to hurt, but when she does, I want her aching to be FELT instead of being brushed over or dismissed. 
:: I wish for a drawing near to Grace and the Throne upon which it sits. 
:: I wish for might. not power or fame or glory, but might. 
:: I wish for laughter (have you heard this child laugh? music.)
:: I wish for Kleenex and ice cream and shoulders and companions and light and Glory abundant. 
:: I wish for LIFE.

happy second birthday, my beautiful girl. 
I love you. 


  1. So beautiful. I can't believe your little baby is 2! Stitches are traumatic for a little one. I had to get stitches when I was 5, 2 weeks before my 6th birthday. I'm pretty sure my mama was secretly as much of a mess as I was in that moment.

  2. oh, and I love your writing so much! Sometimes I print out the words and read them again and again. They are precious and deep, filled with grace. A treasure that I found....THANK YOU.
    Love from Germany!


I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon