Monday, February 3, 2014

the one where I talk about sex

{via pinterest}
I want to talk about shame.

I want to talk about how good it tastes, how easy it is to cut off a slice and take bite after bite, decadent and bloating until your very soul feels as though it will choke.

I want to talk about Beyonce. I want to talk about marriage. I want to talk about sex.

I want to talk about double standards.

I want to ask questions.

maybe I would ask, why so much shame in sex before marriage that we rush to point fingers, gawking and whispering like Ham, son of Noah, running to bring others to look and comment and take a bite of the shame? 

and then of course another question would follow. why so much shame in sex after marriage that we make a point to turn our heads so we don't see, stopping all conversation at the church doorways, making sure we never cross the thresholds with words like orgasm or sensuality?

these questions of mine keep coming, marveling at how we make sex so forbidden, making sure to laud marriage as the ultimate and only place for sexuality, except we freeze it out and make it odd and matronly, using words like intercourse, all the while forgetting that the word used in Scripture is knowing, deep intense provocative knowledge of the one whom your soul loves, and it doesn't get more sensuous than that.

and then Beyonce and Jay-Z performed at the Grammy Awards and the internet exploded and the church rose up in arms. I watched them tear one another apart, throwing mud and stones at the couple's actions, words, lyrics, wardrobe, and I sat in awed confusion.

{via pinterest}
because I didn't see something raunchy or scandalous. I saw something transformational. they're celebrities, rubbing shoulders with people who last barely sixty days into a marriage before filing for divorce. they live in a world that tabloids feed on, plastered up and down the grocery checkout lanes where separation, break-ups, and divorce are bread and butter to that brand of so-called journalists.

this April is six years of marriage for them, six years of til death do us part in a world of broken vows. yes, this couple and their faith differ from mine. yes, their actions in the public eye were far more erotic and intense than I would venture with my husband between the eggs and the milk of the local grocer's.

were there issues with the words, a few rough edges regarding a metaphor or two? were they explicit to the nth degree? yes, and yes again. but in this world, promoting it all before and nothing but ice and high collars afterward, that love is refreshing and inspiring.

there is no shame in nakedness. there is no shame in that passion, that marital lust that flows when skin touches skin and eyes meet. I'm no Beyonce, and he's no Jay-Z. but there's music when we meet that rivals theirs in beauty. when I get behind the door with my husband and I hear that latch click, there's no more veils there.

and you won't be hearing any apologies from me. you might just hear a little Beyonce.

20 comments:

  1. Rachel, this is epic. AMEN. Amen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. girl, you're the one I gotta thank. you and your sexy sex stuff, you and your brave to speak about the taboo that shouldn't be so taboo.

      Delete
  2. Girl, you have been ON FIRE lately. YES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. this lit me, Lindsay. I let it smolder too long, and the flames burst out today in power.

      as I always say, I LOVE the way you see me.

      Delete
  3. Rachel, I think this is fabulous. I love the boldness (& of course I love Beyonce). I didn't read many of the responses to their performance (I am sure you read Laura Turners?). The question I'm wondering is, do people just feel shame about sex (and thus project it on others) when they see something they think they "shouldn't" see or do they think there is something really wrong with how Beyonce and JayZ were 'dancing.'? In other words, do they think it is inherently bad or just bad because they happened to see it? Any thoughts?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jane, I think your question is a fabulous one. quite frankly, I think that people have a pretty big stigma on sex. we've scandalized to the point of being forbidden fruit before marriage, and then we are expected to flick a switch and everything change to "appropriate" levels of sexuality within our brand-new marriages. I can't speak for everyone's mind, but I can speak for my own, and I can share what I have encountered.

      I think they think it was bad because they saw it, that it's "only for private viewing" and that's how it should stay. I, frankly, do not believe that.

      thank you so much for interacting with me here. all responses are treasured.

      Delete
  4. There you go again..rocking my world with your words!! Aint no shame here, sister, so preach on!! xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Melinda, girl, you know I love you. and you know I ain't gonna stop the preaching.

      Delete
  5. I knew this was going to be good just by your title. :) And I was right. I didn't see their performance but I hear what you're saying and agree.

    Love this:
    "there is no shame in nakedness. there is no shame in that passion, that marital lust that flows when skin touches skin and eyes meet. I'm no Beyonce, and he's no Jay-Z. but there's music when we meet that rivals theirs in beauty. when I get behind the door with my husband and I hear that latch click, there's no more veils there."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lisa, I love the way you see me. and that bit at the end there was the bravest and most exposed I've ever been about my sex life on line. Beyonce can teach us a lot.

      Delete
  6. I didn't watch the Grammy's so I had to go find the YouTube video of the performance. Here are my thoughts: I think the church as a whole has done a horrible job addressing sex. We don't talk about the words you mentioned, nor do we talk about pornography. We say lust is bad, but we don't address why we intrinsically do lust and how to handle it. We don't do a good job of giving ideas or addressing the importance of keeping things alive "in the bedroom." Sex within marriage is supposed to be a way to remember our initial union on our wedding days -- both the vows and consummation. It is important and vital.

    Here's my issue with the performance: The way she was dressed and the way she danced was not provocative for her husband alone. If my husband would have watched that, I am sure he probably would have stumbled over lust. And because of his battle with porn addiction, that would have elicited a whole other battle. He knows enough now to turn it off and get with Jesus when the temptation to engage with porn arises, but so many other men don't. And because they do not, they negatively impact their relationships with their wives.

    So, I guess my conclusion (I'm an external processor, can you tell?) is this: sexuality is a gift, a gift to be celebrated. But not at the expense of causing someone else to stumble. Now, I'm not judging Beyonce and Jay Z. I don't know if they even know Jesus. We might just be choosing to live by different standards. And that is okay. But I think it's also okay for people to not watch and celebrate what they did if it causes pain and turmoil in their own lives.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Jennifer, my dear friend, you know I respect you and love you, but here we really have to disagree. My husband didn't have a problem with the performance, and I know a lot of men that didn't either. I think that speaking broadly about men and their lust is actually a big disservice to men. As a friend of mine said, "we tell boys all the time that they can't control themselves around woman, that lust is out of their control, and then when they're men, they believe it."

      If maybe we took the stigma off the human body, if we stopped making sexuality so wrong and so secret, maybe things can change.

      Delete
  7. I'm reading this over and over and my skin is on FIRE.

    Knowing... and it doesn't get more sensuous than that. AMEN.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. if you get deeper than that (which I plan on exploring in a post later on, especially as we draw closer to Valentine's Day), it's honestly extremely X-rated. The Bible doesn't censor sexuality, and neither should we.

      So glad to see you in this place, dearheart.

      Delete
  8. i think that people struggle with it because they have a hard time talking about it...
    i know when i used to do my sex talk to the youth i had to send a letter out...
    and i would have parents that took their high school students out that week
    or complain why i needed to talk about it because they would miss their friends if they
    pulled them out that week...if they are 16, they probably know more about sex than
    their parents...dont you think someone needs to be talking to them?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh your account breaks my heart. How can we do this to our children? no wonder the rates of assault are so high among church youth. we make it forbidden fruit, sticking our fingers in their ears so that they are kept safe, but then we forget that they need to know, that they need to learn the RIGHT way.

      grateful for your witness, friend.

      Delete
  9. I too, live for the fire
    and keep the flames burning
    but not for public display
    that was my complaint

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. if we take the shame away
      then the flame can burn glorious
      public and private
      like in the Garden where shame was forbidden,
      not sex.

      Delete

I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon