Forgiven

"For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." ~Luke 7:47

I know that this blog is prone to lean to the more poetic side of my life. Elegant musings on springtime, reflections on holidays, or just the delicate moments of my own life which I chose to make important for whatever reason.

But not this time.

This time I need to be raw. Real.

Because, to be honest, I've never realized ANYTHING like this before.

It's scary...but here goes.

I have an issue with letting myself be forgiven.

In fact, I think that I believe that I am entire unworthy of forgiveness.

That my past mistakes -- and even those I have yet to make -- have set me in a place where I past the point of being forgiven by anyone.

Not by those I love.

Not by myself.

Not even by God.

And then, I spent a nearly sleepless night, curled up with tears pouring down my face. Every time I closed my eyes, it was like a horrific home movie playing back behind my eyelids...replaying every awful moment, every moment of shame, every whisper of guilt.

But suddenly, someone switched off the projector.

There was nothing left but darkness. And the voice of Jesus Christ.

"I forgive you. You are forgiven. Your shame is gone. You have to let go. You have to let yourself be forgiven."

And so I let one finger slide off the edge.

I'm slowly letting go.

I'm accepting forgiveness.

From the ones who love me more than anything.

From the ones who could have given up on me...but didn't.

From the ones who would die for me.

And from the One who already did.

Robin

Spring shows what God can do with a drab and dirty world. ~Virgil A. Kraft

I saw my first robin the other day.

I never knew something as small and simple as a red-breasted bird could give me such a rush of hope.

These recent days have truly been a dreadful tangle of cold winds, heavily falling rain, and dull grey skies...

...it almost seems as if spring is playing some silly little trick with my spring-fevered heart.

And then, I see some little sign that maybe things are almost done being so wet and forlorn.

...the pale green tip of a tulip leaf poking up in my grandmother's flower patch...

...the gentle, haunting coo of a mourning dove to wake me from my sleep each morning...

...the celestial romance in invisible pairing of Neptune and Venus in the early morning darkness...

...the bobbing of a robin's scarlet chest against the twists of brown, listless grass.

Spring is coming.

The air is changing, the world is turning.

The world is thawing.

I trust the robin's song.

Step

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. ~Nora Ephron, When Harry Met Sally

My best friend got engaged on Tuesday.

I still have a hard time believing it...after all, it's something we've both been dreaming of for the past two years of our best friendship.

I guess the reality of the whole thing is just a little hard for me to grasp -- I can only imagine the thoughts racing through her head and heart at this moment!

There's something about the first step a couple takes together...something so incredibly intimate about the lowering to one knee, the stifled gasp as she presses her hands to her mouth, and the stammering of that single word that will change their lives forever.

An engagement is so much more than just a sparkling diamond ring and the giddy smiles of two people in love.

It's a vow of its own.

It's the voice of a young man as he gazes into the eyes of the girl of his dreams...the whispers of his frantically beating heart, saying:

"Baby, I'm not going anywhere. And in a short time, I will give up EVERYTHING and take you as my other half. My perfect fit. My missing puzzle piece. I want to love you as Christ loved His church, how my King loves His bride. So be with me forever."

The wedding is the woman giving of herself -- the passing from girl to woman, the taking of another name, the change from "Miss" to "Mrs."

But the engagement is the man's surrender.

The lowering of himself. The ultimate humility.

And so, I have words for two of the greatest blessings in my life:

Firstly to my beautiful Alex:

Babe, you are the most incredibly strong, beautiful and passionate young woman of God I have EVER had the honor of knowing.

You blow my mind every day with your drive and your willingness to do anything for the Kingdom of God. You are the most wonderful best friend I could have ever asked for, and you bless me more than I could ever begin to say.

Also, you are insane. You are my Heathcliff, my mad little gal-pal. You make me laugh. You listen. You have this amazing ability to laugh with me and then cry with me, all in the same conversation. You write songs with me, and you manage to keep my head on straight.

And I love you.

You truly are the Jane to my Lizzie; you better know this by now. I could not be more honored to have you as my best friend...and I look SO much forward to undertaking this journey with you. I love so much, dear one.

And to Zach:

I have been praying that God would bring someone like you into Alex's life ever since she and I met. She deserves an amazing man of God who loves her with everything that he is, and is willing to give his life for her, if the need arises. Someone who will treat her with tenderness and adoration, and still manage to bear with her complete and utter insanity.

And I believe more than anything that you are indeed that man. Thank you for bringing a smile to her face and love to her life again. Thank you for loving my best friend with such a pure and selfless love. You are indeed her Mr. Darcy. You have wooed and romanced her in ways that continue to blow my mind. Your selfless and strong care for her touches my heart daily. I love you, and I cannot wait to get to know you better and better in the many insanity-packed years to come.

God bless you both.

Stay strong in love, and stay true to one another.

Alexandria and Zachary -- March 8th, 2011 -- Just the Beginning

Enchant

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. ~Anne Bradstreet

Finally, winter is over.

I think.

I hope.

Personally, I'm a place where winter has officially started to wear down my inspiration.

But it's over.

Finally.

The snow is melted. The air is fresh with the scent of rich, damp soil and the electric aroma of thunderstorms.

Flowers are peaking their heads just a bit uncertainly out of the earth. The grass is turning from faded brown to the whispers of sweet green. The breeze has that elegant perfume of soft wind and cherry blossoms.

Love is everywhere. From couples holding hands and walking along the swollen stream banks to the sweetest whispers of "yes" as diamond rings glisten brand-new on slender fingers.

There is the harsh cover of grief swiftly renewed by the cry of resurrection -- from the harshness of the splintered cross to the flutter of angel's wings.

There is a strange magic in the springtime...some strange combination of love charms and rose-petaled incantations.

There is a reason that I am enchanted with this time of year.

There is an unspoken vow of love...of charm...of whispered secrets in the blossoms and unfurling leaves.

I'm ready to be inspired again.

I'm ready for the spring.

"For behold, the winter is past, the rain is over and gone.

'The flowers have already appeared in the land; The time has arrived for pruning the vines, and the voice of the turtledove has been heard in our land. 'The fig tree has ripened its figs, and the vines in blossom have given forth their fragrance. Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come along!" ~Song of Solomon 2:11-1