"For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little, loves little." ~Luke 7:47I know that this blog is prone to lean to the more poetic side of my life. Elegant musings on springtime, reflections on holidays, or just the delicate moments of my own life which I chose to make important for whatever reason.
But not this time.
This time I need to be raw. Real.
Because, to be honest, I've never realized ANYTHING like this before.
It's scary...but here goes.
I have an issue with letting myself be forgiven.
In fact, I think that I believe that I am entire unworthy of forgiveness.
That my past mistakes -- and even those I have yet to make -- have set me in a place where I past the point of being forgiven by anyone.
Not by those I love.
Not by myself.
Not even by God.
And then, I spent a nearly sleepless night, curled up with tears pouring down my face. Every time I closed my eyes, it was like a horrific home movie playing back behind my eyelids...replaying every awful moment, every moment of shame, every whisper of guilt.
But suddenly, someone switched off the projector.
There was nothing left but darkness. And the voice of Jesus Christ.
"I forgive you. You are forgiven. Your shame is gone. You have to let go. You have to let yourself be forgiven."
And so I let one finger slide off the edge.
I'm slowly letting go.
I'm accepting forgiveness.
From the ones who love me more than anything.
From the ones who could have given up on me...but didn't.
From the ones who would die for me.
And from the One who already did.
I praise Thee continually for permission to approach the throne of grace, and to spread my wants and desires before Thee. I am not worthy of the blessings and mercies for I am far gone from original righteousness; My depraved nature reveals itself in disobedience and rebellion; My early days discovered in me discontent, pride, envy, revenge. Remember not the sins of my youth, nor the multiplied transgression of later years, my failure to improve time and talents, my abuse of mercies and means, my wasted Sabbaths, my perverted seasons of grace, my long neglect of they great salvation, my disregard of the friend of sinners. While I confess my guilt, help me to fell it deeply, with self-abhorrence and self-despair, yet to remember these is hope in thee, and to see the Lamb that takes away sin. Through him my I return to thee, listen to thee, truth in thee, delight in they lawn, obey thee, be upheld by three. Preserve my understanding from error, my affections from love of idols, my lips from speaking guile, my conduct from stain of vice, my character from appearance of evil, that I may be harmless, blameless, rebuke-less, exemplary, useful, light-giving, prudent, zealous for they glory and the good of my fellow men. - Valley of the Vision
ReplyDelete