Monday, October 28, 2013

permission to chase {page seven}

it came again, the silence. that breathing calm after the storm that often follows a bursting of bravery. the words -- my own words, those from the lips of others -- have been burning deep within me, a fire in my bones.

i've felt a little unravelled and a lot vulnerable. i opened my heart to the world in my last post, gutting myself and pouring out my grief toward the broken Church like a drink offering on the ground. so many thought i was dropping the title of Christian into the mud and making a point to stomp and grind my heels against it until there was nothing left. 

:: but that wasn't it at all. instead, i took the moniker and set it loose on the sea, like a message in a bottle, a page out of my Story. 

i want to reach out and take the hand of every person who wrote me harsh or concerned or confused. i want to draw them into my arms and whisper, i'm scale-shedding. i'm not leaving Him on the sand. on the contrary, He and i are wandering the beach together. He's not afraid of wandering. 

 i am the lover and the loved, home and the wanderer, 
she who splits firewood and she who knocks, a stranger in the storm.
:: adrienne rich 

those words up there, they epitomize this thing i'm doing, this thing i'm letting Him do. i'm letting Him strip me down, bare and scandalous. He knew the scars were there, but i'm letting Him see them. i'm dropping the arm and letting the tears fall. my eyes are closed, yes, but the arm is down. 

i said before i was tired. when i was young, there was this slogan, this little smiling fish swimming the opposite direction of all the other frowning fish. go against the flow. but i couldn't help but look at that little fish and wonder, aren't you tired? 

i always thought the point was that He lifted off the too-heavy yokes, stripped away the heavy chains that were exhausting to drag around. He never wanted to trade one weight for another. 
Mandy etched words in the front of my copy of Thrashing about with God :: to the one who chases Light and makes space for sacred selah. we've never met, but she breathed those truths over my soul like oxygen, and i'm gasping, even though i had no idea just how empty my lungs were. i'm breathing in the Holy, the Wild, the Spirit, the Lion's Breath. it's all my soul can handle. 

i feel like my spirit has dreadlocks, twisted knotted things of beauty cascading down that i'm just starting to appreciate. but the well-meaning Church keeps pressing a comb into my hand, whispering, you're knotted. go straighten yourself out and come back in. you'll fit better. 

but i'm drawn to the One that's beaming Light down into my soul, the One who broke my chains and turned me wild and fierce. i'm running, flitting, chasing after Him.

and i can hear His voice on the wind,
I like your hair. 


  1. I popped over from Jen's at Rich Faith Rising- and am so glad I did- the fire in your spirit touched mine as i read your powerful words. I am going to ask you to help me to find a way to subscribe by email so I can enjoy your gifted and evocative writing again and again, because you INSPIRE me with your words of truth and your kind loving heart,
    God Bless you, always.
    Mary,New Zealand.

  2. Dear Rachel
    Oh, you have simply shedded the self-righteous robes of Churchianity and went to Jesus allowing Him to clothe you with His Robes of Righteousness! I have shedded those heavy yokes and burdens of religion a few years ago and accepted Jesus' light and soft yoke and burden. But not every one will understand this, dear friend. Just keep your eyes fixed on Jesus.
    Blessings XX

  3. I like your hair, too. Good words!

  4. Wild. Fierce. Free. Untethered. I love these words, because most Christians do not see them as fitting for us. But that's what God has chosen us to be. These crazy souls that love and hurt and are completely broken and yet...He uses us for amazing things. Dreadlocks decorating the world. Mud embellishing each adventure. The light made all the more beautiful because of the depths of the darkness.

    So yes. Keep letting yourself be broken and free. Let God give you every strength to run in fields of wildflowers and through drifts of snow.

    Your blog is a beautiful place, Rachel.

  5. This makes me smile, selkie girl. :)

  6. hello brave one! I am just getting up the courage to publicly thrash. Thank you for this post. Just beautiful.

  7. you do brave and good work to set free faith and let it whip and whisper in all the brilliance it contains.

  8. Gosh, I love this.
    So good, beautiful.


I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon