beautiful {a fae*rie tale}

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finding beautiful was something she found almost impossible. really, it was something she had to pursue, something she had to chase down. but it was always so far away.

and then she tucked herself in among running water and air-light bubbles. and the chaos still continued outside, the television murmuring and little baby whimpers as sleep claimed her bright blue eyes. but there was silence and stillness and fragrant beauty in the candlelight with the water splashing.

she felt a mermaid there, nestled among the sea-foam that would consume her if she was not careful. her skin glistened and her the ends of her hair dripped sandalwood and night-blooming jasmine. she started to hum, she couldn't help it, in tune with the soft flickering light that swooned around her.

she pondered the grace and wonder of the candle flame, how the light faltered in the breeze of her own lips but then returned stronger and brighter. was that beauty, not something with skin and eyes and hair and the curving shape of lips?

that it was the gentle bending, the fingers curled into hair and lips parted with the harmonizing of a familiar growing Song that was more than just a strain of notes and melody, but a state of being. 

was beauty a sort of surrender? 

:: it was, in fact, the ultimate. 

amen :: so be it

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i am in awe of the infinite. i am sitting and meditating hard on this word, amen. there is such depth in such a short word, flippantly flying off the tongue at the end of every prayer, at the pause in every causal heartwish.

but every time i finish a conversation with Him, i whisper a final plea.

amen.
so be it. 

and it's a sacred sort of whisper, the kind that resonate like the roots of a tree, solid in the earth but reaching up toward Heaven even still anchored deep in my memory.

because every word i speak He memorizes, and that's a little fearful to know that He cares so much about every letter that passes my lips that He remembers them all. every one.

and He likes me to ask Him. He knows what i need, but daddies like when their daughters come and ask them things, and Abba God wants me to lean on His knee and whisper, "can i please?"

it's the sacred amen, the faith found in the so be it, even in the shaky stillness when words come halting and hesitating. it's crying into the abyss and being caught up safe in the arms of the One who knew the second my footing trembled.

i thank God for everything which is natural which is infinite which is yes

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:: e.e. cummings

and so i'm becoming less and less afraid to reach up and brush the foot of the Cross because i climbed the hill on bloody hands and knees, whispering "amen, yes, and amen, and yes and amen again."

i'm lighting a candle and pressing my face to the floor because there's something mighty about the lowering, allowing Him to wash my feet because i'm clean already except for the dirt of today's road. and it's the infinite of His glory that swallows me whole. 

and i die to live, drown to breathe.

i'm finding myself

at a loss for words

and the funny thing is

:: it's okay ::

{{word of god speak // mercy me}}

woman ablaze

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i am the girl on fire. 

i am the woman ablaze.

or at least, i want to be. i want to walk a path once dim and watch it glimmer as the lights flicker into being and line the steps so that others can come after and not trip on the stones. 

i love the moon and the stars 

almost more than the sun.

it's a softer light, not blinding. i can gaze upward when the moon shines gentle and whispers hope better than when the sun leaves spots behind my lashes, even when they're closed. 

and that's what i want to be the world. soft light pointing to the Son that comes in the dawning, not a second sun that comes where it shouldn't and speaks too loud and too blinding for the world to understand. 

there is beauty in the soft light. beauty in the candlewick as it flickers in the night, the softest glow that illuminates the eyes and the heart and the soul. the Word was penned by light of wax and string dipped and twisted together, gentleness on fire. 

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because we're all about the megaphone these days. all about the fist-banging to startle the sleepers and frighten them from their daze. 

but don't you rather it when a hand gently touches your shoulder, a soft shake to rouse you and guide you from pillow to daylight? there is a time and a place for the brightness that overwhelms, and there is a time for the caress of tenderness. 

we forget. yes, He toppled tables. but there was soft weeping, too. 

oh, Jerusalem, Jerusalem. 

how I longed to gather you to Me....

i am the girl on fire. 

i am the candle ablaze. 

and oh, i long 

to be the moon that heralds the Son. 

burning :: sacred

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i'm finding that i'm touching the burning bush more and more.

it's a fine line between the sacred and the ordinary, and it's something i'm daily learning to understand. it confused me at first. the closer to the fire i grew, the more intricate the flames became.   

did i never see Him before, in the ink and the dishes and the silverware? did i just see colour as a visual and not as intricately spiritual? 

perspective can change a life. the ability to step back from a scene and look at the dirt and only see a footprint in the dust where nothing showed before. when you see eyes like transparent glass and tumbled messes as something beautiful to be savoured like art

doesn't that change you? 

someone wrote me and said that they didn't understand. where did i get this pair of eyes that sees something where there is really nothing? am i just digging too deep or trying too hard? 

is there really sacredness in laundry or freshly-laid eggs? or am i painting a portrait where there's really only a blank canvas? 

:: but that's the thing about God ::

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there is no line between sacred and ordinary. isn't that what we celebrate with white lights and candles and whispered stanzas of oh, holy night? 

Heaven became Earth and sacred became touchable. I AM became little boy smiles and tangled brown curls over deep brown eyes and a Israeli childhood with prayers for Messiah's coming. 

this Word become flesh and blood and bone and tears and smiles. this doorway smeared with blood on top and sides opened wide to the sacred and the ordinary melded together. 

this burning bush of glory, of barefoot rejoicing and gentle choruses to welcome Emmanuel. 

fall on your knees

oh night divine. 

the place of Advent

i forgot that Advent was so close.

it was such a big deal when i was a little girl. the pink and purple candles sat in their wicker wreath, wax dripping every Sunday when a new candle burned.

then i got married and moved into my own home. and i forgot.

i forgot the importance of this expectation.

this coming into place, this arrival of the Son of God.

i forgot everything i had been taught, about the sacredness that can be found in the silent moments of flickering candle flames.

and so for three years, i have had no candles to light and no verses to read. it has been as though the events of my childhood swiftly faded into the modern haze of overcrowded schedules and too much planning.

and then this year, it's been following me. i've read blog posts about the subject, seen commercials laden with reminders. it's a whisper, a reminder, the hand of God touching my heart

remember Me. 

and my soul groans with sorrow and guilt.

if it was anyone else, 

would i have forgotten?

or would i have laid my steps out carefully, preparing to greet this coming mortal?

but the King of Glory comes, and i forget Him.

and so this year, i'm finding candles and setting them out. my reminders, my beacon lights to the coming King.

these lights, one by one by one, lit in the darkness to set my yearning soul aglow --  a simple way of speaking to the silence,

i'm waiting for You. 

this heart is open; there is room here.

Illuminate

I would hurl words into this darkness and wait for an echo, and if an echo sounded, no matter how faintly, I would send other words to tell, to march, to fight, to create a sense of hunger for life that gnaws in us all. ~Richard Wright

There's this thing with writers. It's something I've noticed with almost every blogger, poet, or novelist I have ever had the pleasure of knowing over the years.

We write what we know, not what we see.

When we write, we sit down in front of our computers or take our pens in our fingers, and begin to express everything that our hearts are feeling...that our minds know...that our souls ache to reveal. Every written document in the world has the personal stamp and touch of the writer brushed across it like an invisible watermark.

Recently, I took the time to go back over my blog and read the past fifty-two entries that I have published since May of this year. It was a bit frightening and a bit like revisiting an old friend.

It's similar to the feeling a young woman might get when going back over some old private diary or rereading old unsent love letters. There are sprinklings of amusement, maybe even a flush or two of private embarrassment. However, it also brings with it a fairly large portion of self-reflection and recollection.

The same was true for me. As I went back over my old posts, re-reading my ramblings, I was reminded of how far I have come in the past eight months. So many things have changed, and I will admit, my life is in an entirely different direction than I ever could have anticipated.

And then I sit back and look at what I had written and marvel that God allowed me to see a peak of something so sacred...so marvelous...as a fragment of His plan for my life in the months that have passed and in the years yet to come.

It's like He's given me this "gift" of writing as a sort of illumination to help me see the road He has laid out for me.

Sometimes, it's a flashlight...a broad beam leaving nothing to the imagination.

Other times, it's a flickering candle...a tiny little splash of light cutting through the darkness, just enough for me to follow His footsteps on the path.

But either way, He gave it to me. I just have to keep moving forward...

...upward, inward...

...closer and closer...

I have no way of knowing what the end of 2010 holds for me. Nor do I have even the faintest idea of what 2011 will look like -- where I will go, who I will become...

...all I know is that I have this candle of words in my hand, the King of Kings at my helm, and an incredibly valiant team of warriors on every side.

I'm gonna keep writing what I know instead of trying to write what I see.

I'm gonna make it.

One word at a time.

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God...in him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind...the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it." ~John 1:1,4-5