do not dare not to dare //

{photo by dramaticelegance}

i feel like the world has been chasing me with this thrashing. honestly, i think it's really comical that this thing that i have been hiding from for so long is now pursuing me, or at least putting itself in my path. i turn twenty-three in little less than a week, and i am just discovering. someone told me that it's because i'm aware of it, in tune with myself now.

but i don't think that's entirely the reason. i think that my eyes are finally open enough that the calling, the pulling, has finally allowed itself to crawl out from the cave and whisper i'm here. i've always been here. can you see me? 

part of me really wants to write about this. i feel like i've been waiting for my entire life to feel this strange warring freedom. but then comes that fear, the familiar flavour that weighs my soul down. it almost makes me want to let go and let the current pull me the safe way, the way that doesn't make my arms ache.


i wrote some time ago about taking off the veil and looking darkness in the eyes. i don't mean evil darkness :: the Lion already holds the key. i mean the strange unknown, the part that lingers in the  shadow when i've been too scared to pull back the curtains and let the light trace over my skin.

i'm not ashamed. i am afraid. but i am pressing my forehead against the stone wall while i seek solace from the din.

sometimes being on the ground // means a new season is coming

{photo by dramaticelegance}

it's autumn. there's a lot of death associated with the falling leaves and fading grass. but there's something resurrecting about this season. it's been hot, pressing, almost suffocating, with air so thick that i almost wanted to push it off myself like a constricting garment. 

and then comes the whispering cool air, taking my hair and floating it across my face. it's like some ethereal veil reminding me, you are seen, if only by He that holds the Wind

and He is not threatened by your questions. 

it's a digging in. it's painful. it's reaching deep into yourself with gently curling fingers and digging into the dirt. and it makes me shudder and gasp. it's gorgeous. 

sometimes He digs in His claws and flays me wide. but that's not what He's doing right now. my soul is whispering, echoing soft Lion-growl :: do not dare not to dare. (lewis) i am humming His name like it's the last melody i know. i am reaching up.

{to learn more about Mandy's book, visit messy canvas. to read all the posts in my personal thrashing journey, visit here}

shekhinah motherhood

{via pinterest}

i have a new adventure.

i have started a mommy blog. i still cannot believe it myself. it's a new corner of the world for me, a place where i can write about my thoughts solely regarding pregnancy and this coming child.

and i want you all to share in this. i will most certainly still be writing here, hopefully more often as my body levels out and my mind clears itself. the Lion and i are drawing closer, and things are settling into peace now.

strivings do cease in His shadow. 

shekhina hmotherhood is my new corner.here i am practicing the presence of God as i walk down this path of pregnancy, motherhood, and eventually, cradling this child in my arms.

this firstborn of mine, this gift from God to be given back to God. these are the ponderings of my heart, this Mary-like attitude that overwhelms me as i discern what to share and what to treasure.

and so i am writing in two places now, and perhaps this may seem insane or too much. but we will see how things go, as weeks shorten and days become brighter. this child is coming soon, and i want to know and understand my mind in days to come when i look back and remember.

find me here, as always. but find me there now, too.

grow

five minute fridays. we write for five, and only five, minutes. no editing, no overthinking, no backtracking.  linking up with the gypsy mama.

the word

GROW

now GO...

i've been doing a lot of growing in the past twelve months.

taking a look back over my calender, i'm overwhelmed with everything that has occurred in my life. it's awe-inspiring, how i've changed.

did you know so much could happen in a year?

i'm sure i knew, but i think i forgot.

i think growing is one of those things that you can't exactly predict. it's all in relation to how much you're willing to receive, and how much you're willing to give up.

because i've been surrounded with partners in this process. those amazing ones who come alongside you, and whisper into your ear

what, you too? i thought i was the only one...

but i've also had the pain, the pruning, the stripping of the secure and leaving me shivering and wanting my old self back.

and then i find myself in the greenhouse of my Gardener. it hurts, but He trims away the dead parts of my soul. 

it's still in process -- i'm growing, after all. 

but i'm not alone. and i'm seeing results. 

so i just have to sit in the Earth, and remember that He has been here first.

and watch for the blossoms to emerge. 

growing

five minute fridays. we write for five, and only five, minutes. no editing, no overthinking, no backtracking. linking up with the gypsy mama.

the word

GROWING

now GO...

how fitting that this would come today.

today i am 21. 


as of my waking, i am another year old.


it feels like the strangest of emotions all wrapped up into a simple time frame of 24 hours. 

but today this step has been made, whether i wanted it to come or not.

i'm in the eternal process of aging. but what about growing?

am i growing? i suppose it depends on what you mean by growing. i stopped physically growing at the age of 14 and have not risen an inch in height since then.

i suppose that makes me feel small. 

no, not suppose. it does.

honestly, it's hard to feel super confidence at a minuscule 5'0. 

{photo by PinkStudios Photography}

but that's not what matters, is it?

it's not the height or weight or eye colour or the consistency of my hair that makes me grow.

it's this heart of mine. this soul that aches and craves and sings out the strangest of songs as i learn and figure things out for myself. 

i'm growing on my own. maybe it's the life circumstances which i have endured at a very young age. those things mature you, they say.

or maybe it's just the lifting of my King. the turning of His weights, gentle and tender, speaking

grow

to my little seedling heart. 

in Him, it's okay to still be growing. this tiny work in progress.

21 and still growing.