Tuesday, July 9, 2013

// releasing all over again

{via pinterest}
i used to blog every single day.

before the season of my life when i was pregnant with our daughter, i was hitting publish every single day. and it was less because i was prolific, and more because i had a simple selfish goal in mind: i wanted to be famous.

at the time, i was barely out of my teens {which, if you want to be technical, i'm still barely out of my teens} and was shuffling my way around the youth blogging world. and let's be honest, there are some amazing young bloggers out there who are really putting their voices out there.

and of course, i wanted to be just like them. i've wanted to be a famous writer my entire life, and i suppose i thought, if i can't get a book published, i'll put my blog in the limelight instead.

but i lost myself somewhere in that process. i can remember staring at the laptop nearly sobbing with fear :: i don't know what to say. i'm out of words. but i have to write. 

my pregnancy which started out my 2012 spun me for a much needed loop. and down i came from my self-constructed pedestal , striking a lot of rocks on the way down that rocked me to the very core. my husband calls it the demolition. i call it the dark night of the soul. my wrestling with the Most High.

:: it was here that i started to find my voice.

the poet-king wailed his psalms, his poetic voice. and like David, wrapped in a cave in the side of a mountain, i started to strum my soul's strings and things started to come out. scary things, things that intimated me, things that made me want to shut down and give up.

but something told me not to do it, that maybe there was a purpose in this little internet corner that was about more than being famous, that was about reaching out and smearing warpaint on the cheeks of those who needed to know there was more, that they were more....and that they were seen. 

there is a gush of sacred, an embracing of selah, and the screaming wailing war-cry akin to giving birth. because it's a hard process, and it takes incredible strength. and it's okay to reach out, to take the hand of a soul-doula and press your forehead to hers and let it pour.

maybe it's not about the amount of words i can pound out in the space of a week. because i've started to find my groove, less posting but more writing. my word for 2013 was release, a word that i did not fully understand until these past couple months. a word that has been gripping me by the heart and speaking in the voice of the Lion that i adore

:: let. the eff. go. 
release to Me, you lioness.  
because I promise, I have not failed you yet.

and i've started to exhale, feeling all of me unclench and the surrender coming like a broken dam that brings a lot of tears and a lot of clinging to the One who is counting every single drop. the One who is seeing my awakening and is stroking my hair while i let it all go.

the King of Kings is holding back my hair.

and i'm not done yet, not by a long shot. i'm still working on my book, a dream that i have never given up. i have a brand-new jar of warpaint and a beautiful tribe with their hands on my shoulders.

and i'm ready.


  1. love this. :) so privileged to be part of your journey.

  2. I just typed a whole dang (awesome in my opinion) comment and then it.went.away Grrrrr.
    However. I can sit with this. The wanting to be a famous blogger, the words not coming because of trying to force them out. The struggle between focusing on writing on not blogging. It's a tension, to sit with and let the words pour out on the pages and let them be wrapped around by the Father. Then decide if you are going to share your soul with the internet.
    Love the half swear ;)

  3. WoW! I know that feeling to Rachel - to feel lost for words or as though I'd run out. But then ... then ... the muse returns. She speaks. The words come up from the silence and into the crevices of our souls reminding us "you can do this. your words are here." So we dream. We write. We build. Hold Faith dear one! Looks like you're about to go on an amazing journey with the King - It's always an adventure with Him!

  4. Keep on writing and dreaming. Be the author, but let God do the editing.

  5. yes. yes. yes. I am finding this out for myself as well. pushing "publish" today for the first time in two months while my heart has oozed words into corners of my life. our voices get strained when we over use them. let them whisper into our own spaces, let them test out new chords new melodies before we sing them before others. Your voice is so very beautiful. I am so thankful for it being in this world.

  6. I have no words. Except maybe . . . This is nearly the same way my own writer-poet heart has been feeling as of late! Somewhere, along the way, I lost my voice for a time. And if I may whisper another secret to you here . . . I've been the writer who felt so unbelievably ashamed for not having written posts every single week or *day* or not having become a famous blogger/writer already by now too because of a lack of words. But slowly I am starting to examine my heart and find my own voice again.

    Anywho . . .

    You go after your dreams, precious woman! Write that book; write your heart out here in this sacred place. Write, write, write and do it YOUR way and HIS way and no one else's way! Thank you, for sharing your heart with us, Rachel! <3

  7. ha i like that the lion says eff...ha..lol...i used to write every day and tried to be prolific...i have cut back to 5 times a week...you need room for life...and it just happens when you let it...and famous is over rated anyway..ha...i wrote something today on it that i will post saturday morning...smiles....ha...there are things far more important and you/your words will be elevated where he needs them, you know...

  8. :) yes! i wanna be in your tribe!

  9. Here from Jennifer's. So glad I stopped by.

  10. I love your words & I feel you! Thank you sweet soul sister!


I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon