Saturday, February 11, 2012


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sometimes people ask me how i intend to keep my warrior's heart alive with a baby on my hip. that it seems glorious now to speak of the sacred and of the Light, but that my time will come when infant cries and sleepless nights will overtake me and that i will flicker out from fancies into realities. 

these are the people that set my determination even deeper to swipe the paint beneath my eyes and grip the temple pillars with white-knuckled fingers. 

since when is the sacred a fancy? and when did motherhood kill the Light? 

have i missed something? 

a wise woman once told me that the weight of her son on her back bore her often to her knees. and isn't this how it should be? where children pull on skirts and guide closer and closer to the Cross, because children are warriors too. 

and i am ten weeks with this one, still silent save for the fluttering heartbeat beneath my skin. 

but this child will not blind my eyes from seeing Light or colour or Heaven's kiss along the earth. i know that it will be hard, and perhaps tears will blur or exhaustion with draw me down to my knees, but i will not be made blind.

:: He promised that i would never be blind again ::

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i feel like i have toes pressed against the dock with water lapping soft beneath, and the wind whispering brave through my hair. 

maybe this dock is higher than i think, perhaps a ship's yardarm. and there is still this whisking, flowing water beneath my bare feet. 

and i could dive, or i could stay on the edge and wonder always what would have happened if i let go and simply slipped from air to aquatic. 

i think.

no, i know. 

i'm diving. deeper than i've dared before. and i refuse to act as though i am unafraid, because i have shaking fingers. but i've put down roots of brave and i will let the still, small Voice whisper in the night.

courage, dearheart. 
for I have overcome the world.


  1. This was beautiful. Amen and amen! Motherhood is so hard, but so worth it! Ten weeks down, thirty more to go. Hope you're doing well =)

    Jessica @ Diary of a Beautiful Soul

  2. You are and always will be a deep see diver, like Sandra! I love what your friend told you about the weight of her son on her back. This piece is just like you...magnificently beautiful.

  3. It will only make you stronger, wilder in your passions, your love, your abandon, your strength. Listen to your own voice, it will fiercely lead you. Xoxo

  4. ah, so beautiful. "courage, dearheart"--possibly the best line in all of the chronicles of narnia.

  5. Rachel,
    I so like your voice. It really stands out.

  6. This is beautiful! Just coming over here from hear it on Sunday..the weight of her children on her back bore her to her knees....what a beautiful friend you have to remind you of that! Thank you for this encouragement!


I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon