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my entire life, she has been the most put-together woman i have ever known. my earliest memories are of her seated at her desk sipping at a silver, hand-held caraffe coffee with her hair laid perfect and her make-up pristine.
and i have strived to match her footsteps. and i am failing.
because as i write this post, i am clad in men's Dr. Pepper pajama pants with my hair tossed back in the messiest of ponytails, taking the smallest bites of applesauce from a plastic container in an effort to keep my stomach settled.
and i am about to be a mother myself. and i want to be the most pristine of women with my future children collected and composed. but if they are anything like me, they will be ruffians and i will be flustered perpetually.
that is, if i keep attempting to be a woman i am not. a woman that she has never asked me to be, and would never dream of requiring of me. time and time again, she tells me
be you. not me.
and that's what i have to do. because it is weary being someone who is not me, and walking in shoes far too big for my small feet. and this is my motherhood journey, as she had hers with two daughters who both turned out a bit alright, i think.
and so i will reach out and take her hand for now. and when i get scared and when my little one is tucked away, i may run to her arms and weep for comfort that only a mother can provide.
she is my mother. i am not.
and for this, we are both grateful. and for this, we overflow.
i realized today that i have allowed this pregnancy to push away the corners of my brain.
and i have forgotten to announce the winners of my last giveaway, which i was supposed to do in January. my goodness.
the winner of the Shabby Apple timepiece necklace is Ashley
the winner of the pearl earrings is Blythe.
congratulations, girls! contact me with your addresses as soon as possible!
and don't forget that you still have two days to enter the current giveaway.
She is right, you need to be the most wonderful you, not someone else...You're gonna be great
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beautifully described....there are so many things my mother is that I am not...but when I look the other way the reverse is true, I am many things she is not...hard though to live in the shadow of mother...I am closer to her now that I, too, have kids...embarking on motherhood...it is full of many discoveries...may you blessed
ReplyDeletePregnancy is a beautiful time of sifting through, reflecting, discerning, and waiting. You wait as the whole world bubbles around you, as the earth grows inside of you.
ReplyDeleteIt is wonderful and difficult, blessings as you journey, Rachel.
Honey, your child will more than likely love and cherish you for yourself, and will see you as perfect in your own manner. I too struggle with trying to be someone else with the illusion of perfection and superiority in mind. But, as Oscar Wilde once said, "Be yourself: everyone else it taken."
ReplyDeleteLove and blessings to you!
oh friend... this bond between child and mother, it teaches us so much, hey? the umbilical cord, in some ways, is never cut... i'm so excited for you!!! blessings, rachel. e.
ReplyDeleteI love this piece! I just wanted to remind you about our temporary meme in Emily's absence. Painting Prose is waiting to hear your voice, because it is beautiful.
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