the sacred yes // the sacred no

{via pinterest}

i've been doing so much soul-searching over the past several weeks. my blogger voice has been silent, i know, as i have tried to bring some sort of semblance to my life.

and then rain wrote her soul-prompt on the sacred yes and the sacred no.

and it was then that i realized that my whole life has become a sacred yes. and then, it has been a sacred no at the very same time.

 // By the sacred yes or sacred no I mean that affirmation or negation that comes from a deep place of wisdom and courage, even if it creates conflict or disagreement. The sacred yes is not willful or egocentric, but rather is willing and surrendered. The sacred no is not rebellion or refusal, but always the necessary protecting of boundaries. ~richard rohr 

i am a new mother of two very fragile and breathtaking months that have pressed me beyond what i ever thought possible. on 01 January, 2012, i said "yes" to being brave. twelve days later, i discovered that my yes was more expensive than i ever imagined.

and over and over, since that day when i discovered that my body was no longer my own and that my life would never bee the same again, i heard His voice whispering inside my soul

you gave Me your "yes."

and I have taken it. 

and I will show you beyond your wildest imaginings 

what can happen when you give Me yes. 

{via pinterest}

and my sacred yes has expanded to include much. so, so much.

yes :: i die to myself daily and live in Him for him and for her. 

yes :: i love boldly, even though i know it will one day hurt me beyond my wildest imaginings. 

yes :: i will raise a warrioress in a world where warrioresses are absent and fingers down the throat prevail. 

yes :: i will find my identity in Him. 

and in this journey, i have had to do something that i find so hard, almost horrible, almost impossible to do.

i have had to say no.

no :: i cannot do everything, i cannot please everyone. i must stop or else i will destruct

no :: i need please no one but my Jesus. i am my own, and no mold will contain me

no :: i will no longer chase 50K this year. maybe next, but not now. it is not the time. now is Marian's time.

no :: i will not allow fear or guilt or shame or pressure to cloud me, and in turn, cloud my marriage and my daughter's life.

and in my wrestlings with God, i have become Israel -- no longer Jacob, the usurper of the Throne of my soul. but a new nation of mother and leader and warrioress in my own right. 

freedom :: press send {220-227}

no one told me it would be this hard.

barely two days, and this thing of brave already has my fragile fingers shaking. and all it took to make my heart beat faster was pushing that button. 

:: send ::

because the first thirty pages of my book just went to an interested publisher. it took a precious one in my life to get me to get the courage to click that mouse and let it fly from security to unsure. it's my fragile soul, a month of bleeding onto the paper and turning thought into word and imagination into fiction. 

and now it's out of my hands. and i'm petrified. because i don't do rejection well. 

really, does anyone? 

but i'm bad at counting blessings etched on my soul when i'm too busy shaking in the corner with fingers draped over eyes whispering

please don't let me fall

i can't do this.

but i count anyway, one and two and three and four...

• 220. courage. knowing that courage is more than doing, it's being. 

• 221. vulnerability. 

• 222. the voice of a precious friend, urging me to be brave and leap. press send.

• 223. grace. so much grace when i deserve it not. 

• 224. warm soup on a day so cold that noses go numb and fingertips shiver. 

• 225. fresh starts and clean slates. brand-new year, 2012. 

• 226. puppy kisses and The Bachelor on winter nights. 

• 227. healing tattoos, eternal reminders of my place on His palms. 

so i still count. because nothing stops my racing heart more than drowning in eucharisteo, in letting the focus slide away from fear and up further, in further. 

because it's being brave. it's being, all on its own.

it's surrendering in the darkness, waiting for the Light to come again.

{linking with Ann and my sisters in gratitude today}

gratitude via canvas {183-190}

{via pinterest}

this weekend has been soul-stirring.

i wish i could open the shutters of my heart wide. i'm eager to show you what i've found, what treasures this weekend of pure eucharisteo has imparted to my soul. 

i've come to view this lifestyle of thanks, of grace, and of light as a work in progress.

:: a painting of a thousand strokes ::

it's artwork that will never be finished, growing eternally. but then come those times when we take that slight step back, to view and remember where we've come. to touch the strokes that have dried, reminders of our past steps. 

that's what this weekend has been for me. this time we in the United States call Thanksgiving. these weekend for laughter and family and too much pie. 

• 183. fifty thousand words and a completed NaNoWriMo challenge.

• 184. week-old puppies that whimper and make their little feet run with small, unknown dreams, tucked beneath your chin during football cheers. 

• 185. soft plum scarves and sock-less feet tucked into shoes. winter comes soon. 

• 186. the promise of snow in coming days. 

• 187. the countdown to Christmas beginning already with my parents' long-decorated house and Advent calender anticipation

• 188. returning promises that come back valid. a Word that does not return void. 

• 189. earthly tragedy turned to Heavenly triumph. 

• 190. art. the rawness, the promise, the haven for our ink-stained souls.

these have been my ladder moments. the times where the brush gets tucked into the messy bun and the eyes traverse over the canvas, if only for a second.

it's remembering

the grace

the glory

and the gratitude. 

it's soaking in the Light where darkness wars to prevail. 

it's embracing.

{linking my multitudes with Ann and my fellow gratitude seekers}

warming to the words

{via pinterest}

this month is already so rich. it's only the third day.

it's November. it's that transition month, that time when autumn and winter are warring for equal time on the Earth and the world can't make up its mind.

when the leaves are fading and falling. no snow to hide the awkward, ugly sticks that poke up from the ground where trees used to be.

grey skies more than sun. it's as if even the world grieves in confusion.

what am i now? 

i write, sometimes collected and sometimes aimlessly, until i reach the end of the thirty days of frenzy, and then i sit back and stare at the masterpiece that i did not make, even though i tried so hard that i nearly broke. 

but this year is different already. 

it's only the third day of the month. and the skies are grey, as always. and the leaves are tumbling down, and the rain and ice are mid-battle outside my window.

but i'm warm here. 

i'm hearing this Voice clearer this month. i'm seeing hard decisions laid out at my feet made clear, made sound, made safe.

He's teaching me things

{via pinterest}

things like Trust. in others, in myself, in him and in Him both.

i'm learning to see words as a gift. not a frantic race to 50,000. this time to write, to pour out, is a gift that my King and November have joined together to give me as the most precious of presents.

i feel like a child, little hand clutching a pen while a larger Hand wraps around mine.

little one, see? write like this. 

I've got you, dearheart.

the  Lover of our souls has not forgotten us. the clouds hide the sun but not the Son. He sees us clear, unchanging.

i'm warm here in Him. 

i think i'll go write more words with Him now. watching my word count rise, and His mercies rise alongside.

we're a team, He and i. writing this book together, Father and daughter.

oh, what a place to be.

{linking with Laura at The Wellspring. this precious playdate with me and Him}

painted words

sometimes i wonder what it would be like to live as a painter.

would it be easier than this thing of creating images with words?

i would have colours then, bright and pale and every shade and hue with which to fill an empty space with brightness.

i would have strokes, broad or thin, richly pattered or intricately traced.

i would have something tangible to show the world.

a canvas that i can hold up, like a child holding up a finger-painting,

see? 

this is what my soul sees...

it's hard to paint with words when i want them to read my soul in just the way i meant it, without any misunderstanding. 

i want them to read my painted words, see them in the way i intended from the beginning. 

i wish i could write in paints, that my words would flow from keyboard to screen in a swirling watercolour rush of blues and greens. 

emotion for tone, passion for hues. 

a living paintbrush that could show the world my soul without confusion. 

but i live with words. i'm a writer.

it's day 2 of NaNoWriMo. seven thousand words swirl with life and fire and so much colour that it threatens to overflow and spatter the ground with life abundant. 

so i see i'm finding the center, this middle ground between paint and ink. i'm finding the way to make sparks fly from keyboard ticks. i'm learning to let the colours arc outward.

to paint my soul with words so others can look and see

see what my soul sees

in black and white

and technicolour. 

{linking today with dear emily and others for this moment of imperfection}

words {fifth giveaway}

THIS GIVEAWAY IS NOW CLOSED

for me, November is a month of words. 

my days become measured by word counts and how many cups of coffee i have sipped in an effort to churn just one more scrap of inspiration from my worn author's mind. 

Item No. 1

for so many of us, November is marked by 50,000 words and thirty days of writing the most mismatched, glorious novel that we could ever have envisioned. 

words are a powerful thing. they share. compel. delight. romance. intoxicate. create. i'm in love with the written word. are you?

in this theme of words and beautiful things, November's giveaway is a lovely collection of four stunning items from three generous shops and three wonderful women. 

i cannot truly convey my gratitude toward Blaine {Lori}, happydeliveries {Lori}, and coffeedripsart {Beka} for all they have done to make this giveaway such a beautiful thing, both for each one of you, but for me, as well. Item No. 2 Item No. 1: shabby chic rose locket from Blaine Item No. 2: Eiffel Tower earrings from  Blaine. Item No. 3: 11x17 pewter grey Hellen Keller quote print from happydeliveries Item No. 4: 11 x 11 hand-painted quote artwork from coffeedripsart {here is how to enter to win one of these beautiful items. please leave each entry as a SEPARATE comment, and please leave your blog address or email address in at least one of the comments.} Item No. 3 Life is either a daring adventure or nothing (IMPORTANT NOTE: If you are one of my lovely international readers...i.e. not from the United States...please comment as such in one of your entry comments. This giveaway is certainly open to you, as well, but one of these shops is not an international shipper. Many lovely thanks!) Entry No. 1 (mandatory): what is your favourite word and why? (+1) Entry No. 2 (mandatory): follow this blog and put the new and improved button on your sidebar. (+1) Entry No. 3: blog/tweet/Facebook about the giveaway, and leave a link to your post/tweet/blog post in the comment. (+3, one entry per and one comment per, please) Entry No. 4: visit Blaine and comment with your favourite item from the shop. (+1) Entry No. 5: visit happydeliveries and comment with your favourite item from the shop. (+1) Entry No. 6: follow Beka's blog, leave a comment on one of her posts, and then leave the link to the post in a comment. (+1) Item No. 4 The most important thing is life is to learn how to give out love and to let it come back in. Entry No. 7: purchase an item from one of the shops. {+10 entries per purchase; MUST BE VERIFIED before entries will be accepted} words are precious.  whether you're taking part in NaNoWriMo, or if you're just learning to walk this path of expressing oneself through the written word, never forget just how important words are. they can cut, they can heal  use with care.  never forget to love.  this giveaway closes at midnight CST on November 30th, 2011. winners will be drawn using Random.org and will be announced in the next two days. winners have 48 hours to accept their prizes, or new names will be drawn.

armour // nanowrimo

{via pinterest}

this morning started at 5am. or rather, i wanted it to begin at this early hour.

however, i found myself dozing off instead of beginning my writing adventures.

so i suppose this morning started at 7:30am. i opened my laptop and stared at the blank Microsoft WORD document. then i started to type.

the document is no longer blank. now it is the home for 3,128 words and counting. it's the home for my dreams now.

i'm learning how to turn words into life. i've done this before, you know, but not like this. i've written a 50,000 word novel before. i've done NaNoWriMo twice before. but i'm doing this my way now.

i'm wearing armour this time. 

word armour, i suppose. 

i would rather my critics be paintbrushes that breathe. but i know they'll be cannons instead.

but i have to learn to let their bullets clang against my armour. i know they might dent a bit, might break my heart just a bit.

but it's my work. 

they can't do this for me.

this is one of those things that is between me and the Author of life and a keyboard of twenty-six letters.

these are my dreams in black and white dots and dashes.

i'm turning them into a dreadlocked girl dressed in purple with magic in her eyes.

this is just the start.

{because of NaNoWriMo, i am not going to do an elaborate giveaway winner announcement post. i do hope you will all forgive me. the winners, in order of items 1-4 are Quinn, Jess, Cassie, and Kimberly. congratulations, lovely ladies! please email me with your information with 48 hours to claim your items!} 

writing eucharisteo {152-159}

{via pinterest}

this is my last Monday of rest, in a way.

at least for the next month.

each day comes with its own level of responsibilities, its own little list that softly whispers take care of me, check me off. 


but as of tonight {or rather, tomorrow morning} at 12:00am, i will officially be launching into my third year of NaNoWriMo.

 this will mean i will floundering in word counts, coupled excessive amounts of tea and coffee to keep my tired, wrung-out brain from sputtering to a halt.

this is one more thing on my self-imposed to-do lists. and i bear the slightest fear of burning out.

but i know i won't.

because i have written eucharisteo on my wrist.

 i will weave this thing of gratitude, grace, and joy deep into my soul as i compose each word. i will not grow weary, nor give way to frustration or despair of completing my seemingly daunting goal.

and even in my chaos of daily life and 50,000 words, i will continue to count my ever-growing blessings, one at a time.

• 152. the support of family and the one i love as i embark upon this {perhaps a bit insane} mission

• 153. people in my heart who bear me up as Aaron to Moses, lifting my arms as i grow weary in doing good, never letting my passion drop. 

• 154. the voice of God, clear as knell in my soul. 

• 155. contentment in staying home when i would be rather have been at Relevant11. finding my place, my corner as i wait on Him. 

{via pinterest}

• 156. the cutting comments regarding my most recent post, and being featured on a site that rips apart Christian writings. Matthew 5:11-12 has never rung so deep and true in my soul. i cling to Him alone. 

• 157. trees decked only in orange and red leaves that line the block outside my window. the artist that paints my soul has not ceased her singing. 

• 158. my new affiliation with Shabby Apple. standing for beauty and modesty, and knowing that i am not compromising. this is a blessing beyond words. 

• 159. refreshment for my heart. freedom for my soul. this is Love, dear ones. 

and so i will be writing. i will be finding my moments with the King amid the black and white scratches upon the paper. i will be delving deep with Him this month. November will be beautiful. 

wallpapered from door to window with blessings. 

{linking with Ann today}

{the giveaway has been extended until November 1st to give me some time to balance myself out 

winners will be drawn after midnight and posted on the 2nd, along with November's giveaway}

plot-ish // writer's blog

i finally feel like i have a footing. it's taken me six months to come up with this concept.

i'm honestly not sure what took me quite so long to let loose and allow my inspiration to create this concept in my head.

i will admit, a very large portion of this came to me in the bathtub {of all places} on Friday night. i now hold fast to cucumber melon body wash, and the power of a relaxing soak.

{the remainder of this post, as well as a brief synposis of my NaNo novel, can be found here}

lifeblood art

{via pinterest}

it's a curious thing. 

to be an artist, you have to embrace mistakes. 

you have to let your pain flow like blood in a safer way than trembling razorblades from wrist to elbow, making an outlet that won't take your life but just might safe it in the end. 

 your joy like fireworks exploding from your skin and fingertips and hair and eyes and lips and soul like so much jubilant light. 

your love stream from your eyes like a river, tears that aren't unbidden but that so many just won't understand to be anything but pain rippling out and out. it's not, though. it's perfect love.

that's what it is to be an artist.

after all, how can we know passion if we have never experienced it ourselves? how can we write, sing, or leap with emotions that are unfamiliar territory?

we have to embrace our imperfections. 

every last beautiful one. 

{via pinterest}

i'm preparing for a month of being laid bare. letting my soul pour into my novel, exposing my heart for this whole world to taste and touch and run their fingers over. 

maybe it'll do some good. 

a month of imperfections. a month of breathing art in like air. 

of being an artist

following my calling of art and passion and depth and soul. 

living here in imperfect art. 

creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes

art is knowing which ones to keep

~Scott Adams 

the wire {writer's blog}

down to the wire now, i suppose.

less than thirty-two days until the madness of nanowrimo starts up.

and i'm starting to breathe this story, i think. so little is compiled, but i have a grasp.

so little is known, but i've figured this path out.

{won't you join me here for the rest?}

eyes {writer blog}

i have an obsession with my character's eyes.

actually, i'm obsessed with eyes in general.

maybe it has something to do with the spiritual connotation found behind these rich pools of ocular beauty.

the eye is the lamp of the body

it's true, though.

so much can be spoken through a simple glance. a moment spent gazed into another's eyes can be enough to pass along an entire conversation and more left unspoken.

...

(to partake in the rest, go here)

Launch

Today is a beginning.

Today marks the launch of an answered dream.

It is the start of something which I have been planning on doing for quite some time, that has now fully come to fruition.

Today is the start of answered prayers.

today, a new writing blog was launched.

In collaboration with my best friend and literary soul sister, Alexandria (Petals and Freckles), we have together begun a writing blog. It is a place to post our thoughts, our inspiration, and our novel-esque ideas for the world at large to enjoy and survey. 

It is also our headquarters for our 2011 NaNoWriMo endeavors. We are writing separate novels, but we will be cheering and coaching one another on, and this new blog gives us the most wonderful opportunity to walk this road together. 

We will both continue to post on our respective blogs as normal. So please, fear not, loves. Nothing is being lost or moved from here to there. 

It is simply an expansion. 

And so, with awe and wonder at the majesty of my King, I am humbled and honoured to present to you

Eat, Pray, Write