Monday, January 2, 2012

freedom :: press send {220-227}

no one told me it would be this hard.

barely two days, and this thing of brave already has my fragile fingers shaking. and all it took to make my heart beat faster was pushing that button. 

:: send ::

because the first thirty pages of my book just went to an interested publisher. it took a precious one in my life to get me to get the courage to click that mouse and let it fly from security to unsure. it's my fragile soul, a month of bleeding onto the paper and turning thought into word and imagination into fiction. 

and now it's out of my hands. and i'm petrified. because i don't do rejection well. 
really, does anyone? 

but i'm bad at counting blessings etched on my soul when i'm too busy shaking in the corner with fingers draped over eyes whispering
please don't let me fall
i can't do this.

but i count anyway, one and two and three and four...
  • 220. courage. knowing that courage is more than doing, it's being. 
  • 221. vulnerability. 
  • 222. the voice of a precious friend, urging me to be brave and leap. press send.
  • 223. grace. so much grace when i deserve it not. 
  • 224. warm soup on a day so cold that noses go numb and fingertips shiver. 
  • 225. fresh starts and clean slates. brand-new year, 2012. 
  • 226. puppy kisses and The Bachelor on winter nights. 
  • 227. healing tattoos, eternal reminders of my place on His palms. 
so i still count. because nothing stops my racing heart more than drowning in eucharisteo, in letting the focus slide away from fear and up further, in further. 

because it's being brave. it's being, all on its own.

it's surrendering in the darkness, waiting for the Light to come again.

{linking with Ann and my sisters in gratitude today}


  1. Lovey, just reading your blog is like reading poetry. If you are rejected by the publisher, I know that it will only be because God has a better one in mind for you (I also know that the rejector has NO taste whatsoever).
    I believe in you, and I will always want to read your words no matter what. You're doing splendidly for only the second day in the year. Sending something to a publisher is a HUGE leap, and takes a lot of bravery. Bravo!

  2. Congratulations on pushing that *send* button! How exciting! I admire your courage!

  3. It is courgeous, indeed, to hit *send* Good for you!

  4. So, so proud of you. Lifting you up in prayer as the waiting happens. And a tattoo? i'm considering one soon. Where did you get yours?

  5. I'm so proud of you for hitting send!
    I submitted poetry to a poetry journal last year and I had to count down before I hit send.

    Keep being brave, lovely.

  6. no one takes rejection well, dearheart. but if you never try, then you'll never know. very proud of you. :)

  7. I am so excited for you. You are so much braver than you think dear soul!

  8. Very beautiful post! It is beautiful that you tend to count your blessings while in the lonely and dark place of fear. I am, too, one who does not take rejection well. I dislike it! But I will have to take a page from your book and learn how to count my blessings when I fearful or when I am in danger of rejection!

  9. I would be more terrified that they might leak it to the media than that they wouldn't accept it. Really, I'm sure your writing is wonderful, tho, if you write in books like you write here♥



I look at you and see all the ways a soul can bruise, and I wish I could sink my hands into your flesh and light lanterns along your spine so you know there's nothing but light when I see you. :: Shinji Moon